エッセイの添削をお願いします！
高校で資料を参考にして、エッセイを書く課題が出ました。
一度書いてみたので添削をお願いします！
※文章構成(firstly, secondly In conclusion と 最初のパラグラフと最後のパラグラフとの内容が被ること)に関しては学校からの指示なので、そのままでお願いします。
以下
People had better be concerned about climatic change for ecosystem. It is global warming that one of the things that are in question most and most influential. These days, the affect the impact of global warming has been serious in Arctic. If we took preventive measures against it thoroughly, the animals on the ice in Arctic, such as, polar bear and earless seal, would be threatened with extinction.
Firstly, according to the report from Nasa in 2005, the amount of sea ice that floats in the chilly arctic is much less than what it used to be. In other words, this report says that the environment which they can live on is not what it used to be.
Secondly, the report says that each year, during the month of September, the amount of sea ice floating in the Arctic Ocean is typically at its lowest amount for the entire year. That year, and all the way back to 2002, the amount of sea ice has been 20% less than the average amount seen normally between 1979 and 2005. That is to say, it shows that the place which it is possible for them to live on has gradually decreasing. In the future, it and they may perfectly disappear.
In conclusion, we had better think of what global warming affect them and need to immediately start working out solutions for this problem. Otherwise, they will really have died out by mankind.
以上
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※念のために言いたいことを大まかに日本語で書いておきます※
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人々はもっと生態系のためにも気候変動について気にかけるべきである。もっとも影響があり問題となっているのが地球温暖化だ。近年、北極での地球温暖化は深刻化してきている。もし私たちが徹底的に地球温暖化を防がなければ、ホッキョクグマやアザラシなどの北極で生活する動物たちが絶滅の危機に瀕することになるかもしれない。
第一に、NASAの2005年に調査によると、「資料抜粋：the amount of sea ice that floats in the chilly arctic is much less than what it used to be. This report says that it is probably because of warmer arctic temperature.」言いかえれば、このレポートは彼ら(北極に住む動物)の住む環境が昔と変わってきていることを示している。
次に、この調査は「資料抜粋each year, during the month of September, the amount of sea ice floating in the Arctic Ocean is typically at its lowest amount for the entire year. That year, and all the way back to 2002, the amount of sea ice has been 20% less than the average amount seen normally between 1979 and 2005.」ということを示しています。つまり、彼らが住むことができる場所が徐々に減ってきているということを示します。将来、その場所と彼らは完全に姿を消すかもしれません。
要するに、私たちはもっと地球温暖化とそれが与える動物への影響を考え、この問題について対策を練る必要があります。そうでなければ、彼らは人類によって本当に絶滅してしまうかもしれないのです。
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学校からの指示としては、自分の意見を
Scentists using satellites date have confirmed that the amount of sea ice that flats in the chilly arctic is much less than it used to be , and that's probably because of warmer Arctic temperatures.
Earch year, during the month of September, the amount of sea ice floating in the Arctic Ocean is typically at its lowest amount for the entire year. That year, and all the way back to 2002, the amount of sea ice has been 20% less than the average amount seen normally between 1979 and 2005.
という資料から二つ根拠をあげて述べろ
という指示です。
長いですが添削をお願いします
お礼
こんなに詳しくありがとうございました！ すごく助かりました☆