英文日記を添削していただけますか(^^)

質問

またまた昨日にひき続き英文日記を書きました。初心者なので、特に文法的な間違いや、表現のおかしい部分などがあれば、直していただけると助かります(^^)
　一応、最後に私の表現したい内容を日本語で表記しておきます

Sunday, March 5, 2006 　　 It started cloudy, but the sky was clearing later.

Hello, dearest Candy. My husband and I went to my son’s nursery school for visiting the exhibition this afternoon. The paper clay which was made in the shape of my son’s hand was exhibited there. There is an album as well in which his growth for 1 year was collected. I was moved by these works. These are sure to become our eternal remembrance of my son’s two-year-old age. I think you can see my feeling. Until next time. See you soon, my dearest Candy.

(日本語）
夫と私は今日の午後、息子の保育園の制作展を見に行ったの。紙粘土に息子の手を形どったものが展示してあったわ。彼の1年間の成長を集めた写真集も置いてあったの。これらの展示品を見てわたしとっても感動しちゃった。これらはきっと息子の2歳時代の永遠の記念品になると思うわ。私の気持ち分かるでしょ？じゃ、またね。

回答No.1

Deerhunter · ベストアンサー

大きな間違いは無いようですね。

>It started cloudy, but the sky was clearing later.
It was cloudy at first but cleared later.

>I went to my son’s nursery school for visiting the exhibition this afternoon
I went to my son's nursery school to see their exhibition this afternoon.　the exhibilition が唐突なので、

>The paper clay which was made in the shape of my son’s hand was exhibited there.
A model of my son's hand made of paper clay was displayed there.　手が主役なので

>There is an album as well in which his growth for 1 year was collected.
There was a photo album that showed several pictures taken at different times over the past one year of his life. もう少し自然な表現に

>These are sure to become our eternal remembrance of my son’s two-year-old age
I'm sure this will become a life-long remembrance of his two-year-old time.　主観的（？）に表現、感情を出す。eternal はちょっと大げさでしょうか？

> I think you can see my feeling.
I'm sure you can tell how happy I am.　同上

お礼

ありがとうございました(^^)とっても参考になりました。これからもよければ添削お願いしますm(_ _)m

回答No.2

akijake

こんにちは！

for visiting the exhibition this afternoon
間違いではありませんが、「行く」的な言葉が二回入っているので、
Today there was an exhibition at my son's nursery school, so my husband and I visited there.
としてしまうことも出来ます。

There is an album as well in which his growth for 1 year was collected.
in which 以下の描写がちょっとしっくりこない気がします。
which was showing his growth for past one year.
とshowを使ってしまうのも手かと思いますよ。

These are sure to become our eternal remembrance of my son’s two-year-old age.
ageはいらなそうに思うのですが…。あと、全体的に何か堅い感じがするので、
These will be the eternal remembrance of my son's two-year-old for sure.　
と簡単な文章にしてしまってもいいかもしれません。

「私の気持ち判るでしょ？」は
Can you see how I feel, can't you?
としたほうがしっくり来る気がします。

Until next time は何か孤立した感じがするので、
bye for now　と言ったほうがよいと思います。

直すところがほとんどないので、ちょっと言い回しを変えただけになっちゃいました。
ご参考程度にみて下さいね。

お礼

ありがとうございました(^^)とっても参考になりました。これからもよければ添削お願いしますm(_ _)m