英文添削お願いします。

質問

英文添削お願いします。
On October Second ‘10
I had a holiday and went to car dealer.
First, I went to Toyota to see Estima.
As soon as I went there, I did test-drive one.
It was comfortable, but it wasn’t more comfortable Alfard and Velfire.
When all of salesman find I decided to buy a car, they surve me with the greatest survice.
After Toyota, I went to Honda.
But there was not a car I wanted.
When I was about to leave the shop, the salesman tried to prevent me from leaving there by this way and that.
When I was feeling an awkward situation, my mobile phone rang at a good timing.
It called from Toyota and told me to leave my bag.
I left there at once and came back Toyota to receive it.
As soon as I arrived at there, the salesman brought my bag to me.
I felt I was lucky, as I left the shop.
If I left it another place, it wouldn’t come back me.

回答No.2

sayshe · ベストアンサー

(1) October 2nd '10
(2) I was off today and went to some car dealer's shops.
(3) First I went to Toyota's to see Estima.
(4) As soon as I arrived there, I test-drove one.
(5) It was comfortable, to be sure, but it wasn't as comfortable as Alfard or Velfire. / ....., but it was less comfortable than Alfard or Velfire.
(6) When all of the salesmen expected that I would decide to buy one, they gave me the greatest service. / ....., they served me greatly.
(7) After Toyota's, I went to Honda's.
(8) But there was not the type of car I wanted.
(9) When I was about to leave the shop, the salesman tried to keep me there by all possible means.
(10) When I began to feel awkward in such a situation, my bobile phone rang. It was a good timing.
(11) It was a call from a salesman of Toyota's and he told me that I had left my bag (behind).
(12) I left Honda's at once and came back to Toyota's to receive it.
(13) As soon as I arrived there, the salesman brought my bag to me. / ....., the salesman handed my bag to me.
(14) I felt I was lucky as I didn't leave the Honda's shop.
(15) If I had left Honda's for another place, my bag wouldn't have come back to me.

<コメント>
(1) 日記の日付に前置詞 on は不要だと思います。
(2) 仕事が休みの時は have a holiday もありますが、be off
という表現も使い勝手が良いように思います。
(3) トヨタの店の略で Toyota's (shop)
(4) test-drive は動詞です。名詞にするなら test-driving
(5) to be sure.....but.....「たしかに～だが」
「～ほど・・・ない」は not as (so).....as か　less.....than が良いと思います。
(6) all of + the/my 等の限定詞 + 複数名詞
私が買うと決心すると期待している訳ですから少し複雑な文章になりました。
(8) 私が欲しいと思うようなタイプの車 the type of car I want
(9) prevent O from -ing は「Oが～するのを妨げる」ですからちょっときついかと思います。
(11) tell O to infinitive は「Oに～するように言う」ですから追剥のような感じがします。
(15) 仮定法過去完了です。
If+S+had+pp....., S+would/should/could/might+have+pp.....
「～していたら・・・だったでしょうに」

お礼

早々に回答ありがとうございます。
また、お時間がありましたらよろしくお願いします。

回答No.1

Habariyako

申し訳ないのですが、元の文が少々不自然で、また説明が足りず飛躍している箇所があります。　全体を見直す必要があると思うのですが、取り合えず原文の意味しようとしている事を、出来る範囲で自然になるように書き直してみましたのでご覧下さい。

On 2 October 2010, I was on holiday and I visited a car dealer.
I went to Toyota first to see Estima. Right after I went there, I asked a test-drive of it and I did. It was quite comfortable, but was not as comfortable as Alfard or Velfire. Somehow all sales representatives thought that I would actually buy one, and they treated me well. But I left Toyota to go to Honda next. However, I could not find the car that I was looking for. So, I decided to leave. When I was about leaving, one of the sales representatives stopped me. （このときの状況の説明が無いのが不自然で、次の文とのつながりがよくありません。　少し説明を加えた方がいいと思います。）　I was getting annoyed. Suddenly my mobile rang to give me a help. It was from Toyota and they told me that I left my bag at their shop. Then I left Honda to return to Toyota for picking my bag up. When the sales representative recognized me, he brought it to me. I felt that I was lucky. Then I left the shop again.
If it did happen at a different place other than the Toyota shop, I don’t think that the bag would return to me.

私の理解が十分でない所もあると思うので、あくまでご参考と言う事で。

お礼

早々に回答ありがとうございます。
また、お時間がありましたらよろしくお願いします。