英文の添削お願いします。
課題文：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Young people should start to live on their own and become indepentent of their parents as early as possible.Give reasons to support your opinion.
解答：
(1)I think young people should start to live on their own and become independent of their parents as early as possible.
(2)I think so because,when they start working they will have to do everything by theirselves.Their parents won't help them any more.If they are not independent of their parents,they cannot work.
(3)Second, if they start to live on their own,they will know that doing houseworks such as making meals,cleaning rooms is hard work.
(4)And the most important reason is that,when they have their children,they have to teach their children a lot of things by them selves.If they are not indepentent of their parents,they can't raise their children properly.
(5)I have friends who live on their own.They are doing everything by theirselves,so they look confident.
(6)With above reasons I think young peole should start to live on their own and becomeindependent of their parents.約１５０words,３０分
ＴＯＥＦＬ対策の問題です。
後々読み直してみると、
firstがないのにsecondを使ったり、
一番大事な理由を述べているパラグラフの位置が中途半端だったり、
無駄にパラグラフを多くしてしまった点がよくなかったように思います。
文章構成・表現・文法なんでも稚拙な部分が多くあると思うので直したほうがよい所やアドバイスがあったらぜひ教えてください。
よろしくお願いします。
お礼
なるほど。 ありがとうございました。