アメリカのSATという試験を受けるのですが・・・

質問

SAT用のレポートを試しに書いてみたのですが、文法や単語があまり得意でないので英語が得意な方にみてもらいたです。
できれば私のレポートを直していただいたり、アドバイスをくれるとありがたいです。
SATの点数は１から１２となってるのですが、私のレポートだと何点ぐらいとれるのでしょうか？

質問： Is it important to question people in positions of authority?

For the society to function properly and improve economically, it is essential for the people question against the decisions of the people in authority. If one does not question authority, people with no power will be immediately become oblivious slaves to tyrants and governors. It has been demonstrated in Tanzanian literature and Rwanda history that, not only the powerless people, but the humankind can benefit as a whole by questioning the authority.

In fact, a Tanzanian author Ariya Malokotela illustrates in her novel, Broken Night, of the effects in questioning authority can bring a fortune to the community. In the novel, Donato and Calida Kalagho are siblings in the village named Kibana, Tanzania. They were captured by the Europeans and were sold as slaves to the prosperous households, unable to have their own opinion and freedom. No matter what their masters ordered them to do, they had to restrain their own feelings and obey to their owner’s commands due to the laws. By the age of seventeen, Donato began to question the belief of slavery and determines to escape together with Calida at night. Later they become the leader for the organization that opposes the idea of slavery by helping numerous slaves free from their owner. They gather people who are against slavery and protest the Tanzanian government. Soon, Donato and Calida were able to ban all slavery throughout the country. Even the helpless children who were under slavery can change the entire country by standing up against the authority to have faith in their goal.

On the other hand, Rwandan philanthropist Nuru Muyila opposed the decision of authority to inform the government about the poor living conditions in Shyanda, Rwanda. Living in a small village, Nuru lost both of her parents by a disease that spread across the country, killing thousands of people. There were no hospital nor did doctors in her village and the government do nothing to support the people in a small village. Nuru had no choice but to work on the street by selling her parents’ belongings in order to survive. At a young age, she was determined to challenge the government for abandoning children who have lost their parents and had to live under poor conditions just like her. Eventually Nuru graduated from a decent university in Rwanda and became a teacher to educate the children who had no opportunity to attend a school. She started a program in which they help provide schools in the small villages and give opportunities to the children. Moved by her efforts and determination, the government gave funds to support the program with schools, blackboards, chairs, desk, pencils, and other school supplies that were necessary for the kids. In the Documentary magazine article by Louis Stevens, Nuru Muyila’s program was captured with pictures of her students in small classrooms with over 30 attentive students. Children in Rwanda are given with the opportunity to have equal educations throughout the country because of Nuru Muyila’s actions in questioning the government.

It is crucial to challenge the authority for the improvement in society’s economy. The novel by Agriya Malotela and the adventures of Nuru Muyila supports the idea of this theory. Advancing the society is not just simply by blindly following the people with power, but challenging each other for the benefit of everyone.

よろしくおねがいします。

回答No.2

miknnik

後半の部分です：

IN ANOTHER INSTANCE, Nuru Muyila, A Rwandan philanthropist, opposed the decision of A LOCAL AGENCY (?) to inform the CENTRAL government about (or, ON) the DEPLORABLE living condition in THE Shyanda REGION. Living in a small village, Nuru lost both of her parents TO a disease that spread AND KILLED THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE across the country. NO HOSPITALS OR doctors WERE AVAILABLE THERE, and the government DID NOT PROVIDE ANY SUPPORT FOR the VILLAGERS. MUYILA had no choice but to work IN the street by selling her parents’ belongings in order to survive. At a young age, she BEGAN to challenge the government THAT DID NEXT TO NOTHING TO HELP THE children who HAD lost their parents and had to live IN POVERTY just like her. Eventually, MUYILA graduated from a decent (or, NICE/GOOD) university in Rwanda and became a teacher to educate the children who had no opportunity to attend (DELETED) school (or, NO OPPORTUNITY FOR EDUCATION). She started (or, FOUNDED) a program THAT PROVIDES AIDS TO RURAL SCHOOLS and (DELETED) the children. Moved by her efforts and determination, the government gave (or, if this funding is still on-going, HAS SET UP) FUNDING to support the program with (DELETED) blackboards, chairs, desk, pencils, and other school supplies that were (or, if this is still continuing, ARE) necessary for the STUDENTS/PUPILS. In the Documentary magazine article by Louis Stevens, (DELETED) Muyila’s program was FEATURED with pictures of MORE THAN THIRTY ATTENTIVE STUDENTS in small classrooms (or, A JOURNALIST, LOUIS STEVENS FEATURED MUYILA'S PROGRAM IN HIS DOCUMENTARY MAGAZINE ARTICLE WITH PHOTOGRAPHS OF MORE THAN THIRTY ATTENTIVE STUDENTS ATTENDING SCHOOL IN FAR-FLUNG CORNERS OF THE COUNTRY). THE children in Rwanda HAVE BEEN given (DELETED) the opportunity to RECEIVE AN education NO MATTER WHERE THEY ARE because (DELETED) Nuru Muyila TOOK action TO QUESTION the government.

CHALLENGING the authority IS AN INTEGRAL PART OF OUR SOCIETY TO IMPROVE the (DELETED) economy (YOUR ESSAY DOES NOT INDICATE ANY ECONOMIC IMPACT). I BELIEVE the novel by Agriya Malotela and the MOVEMENT THAT Nuru Muyila STARTED support the idea of this theory. ADVANCEMENT OF the society WILL NOT TAKE PLACE by blindly following the people IN power; WE MUST KEEP QUESTIONING THE AUTHORITY AND OURSELVES IF THERE IS A ROOM for IMPROVEMENT IN OUR SOCIETY.

Ariya MalokotelaのBROKEN NIGHT は小説ですので、これだけが証明の一部になるかは疑問ですが、南アフリカの Nelson Mandela の様にアパルトハイト廃止のために戦い、27年服役した後一国の大統領に就任した例もあるので、その様な実例を挙げる方が説得力があると思います。英語では契約書の様な特異な分野以外では重複を嫌いますので、small village, people その他続けて出てくるところは別の表現を使う様にしました。日本語でも同じですが、一旦ある人物が紹介された後の文では、苗字またはファースト・ネームのどちらかが使われる場合がほとんどです。勿論例外的な使い方もありますが、新聞記事等では通常苗字が使われます。

回答No.1

miknnik

わたしがSATを受けたのは大分以前の事でまだ verbal, math しかなかった頃ですのでご自身のエッセーが何点程になるか、というのは定かではありませんが、この様な質問にはご自身がされた様に、自分の意見をサポートする例を挙げて論じるのが普通です。ただpeople with no power will be immediately become oblivious slaves to tyrants and governorsという部分はsweeping generalization であり、「65歳以上になったらインフルエンザ、肺炎の予防接種をしないと死亡する」というのと同じで、そういう事が起こらない可能性もあるに拘らず一方的です。加えてこのエッセーの最初に、For the society to function properly and improve economicallyというフレーズがありますが、このエッセーでは経済的にどの様なインパクトがあったのかが欠落しています。また、実在の人物の話なら過去形を使うのも頷けますが、小説の筋等は普通現在形で記述されます。二つ目の例で、Nuru Muyila opposed the decision of authority to inform the government about the poor living conditions in Shyanda, Rwanda.とありますが、これは混乱を起こす文で、authorityとは一体政府のどのエージェンシーなのか、the governmentとは別のものなのかが明確ではありません。と言うのも後の方ではthe government do (did ですね） nothing to support the people in a small village; she was determined to challenge the government とあるので、Nuru Muyilaがチャレンジしたのはauthority及びgovernment となっているので、ではNuru Muyila opposed the decision of authority to inform the government about the poor living conditions in Shyanda, Rwandaの部分はどう解釈していいのか迷います。また文法的、単語の選択等の面でも訂正が必要な部分があります。長くなるので、ここでは一部添削してみますが、手を加えた部分は大文字です：

For A society to function BETTER and improve economically, it is essential for the CITIZENS TO question (DELETED) the decisions of the (DELETED) authority. If THEY DO NOT, THOSE OF LOWER SOCIO-ECONOMIC STATUS MAY BECOME UNINFORMED, oblivious FOLLOWERS OF A tyrant OR A governor AND PERPETUATE THEIR DICTATORSHIP. It has been demonstrated in Tanzanian literature and Rwanda history that, not only the powerless (DELETED), but the humankind can benefit as a whole by questioning the authority.

(DELETED) A Tanzanian author, Ariya Malokotela, FOR INSTANCE, illustrates in her novel, Broken Night, (DELETED) the effects OF questioning THE authority, AND HOW IT MAY BENEFIT the community. In the novel, Donato and Calida Kalagho are siblings in A village named (OR CALLED) Kibana, Tanzania. They ARE captured by the Europeans and (DELETED) sold as slaves to prosperous (or, AFFLUENT) FAMILIES. THEY ARE FORBIDDEN to have their own OPINIONS and freedom. They HAVE TO/MUST restrain their own feelings and obey (DELETED) their owners' (NOTE THE POSITION OF APOSTROPHE) commands AS THE LAWS STIPULATE. By the age of seventeen, Donato BEGINS to question the SYSTEM of slavery and ATTEMPTS to escape (DELETED) with Calida ONE night. Later they become the LEADERS for AN organization that opposes (DELETED) slavery AND HELPS numerous slaves free THEMSELVES from their OWNERS. They SEEK OTHERS who are against slavery and protest the Tanzanian government. Soon, Donato and Calida ARE able to ban (DELETED) slavery throughout the country. THE STORY SHOWS THAT even (DELETED) helpless SLAVE children can change the entire country by standing up against the authority AND HAVING faith in their GOALS.

字数が限られているので、残りはまた後日。ご参考まで。