英作文の添削をお願いします。

質問

初音ミクという新しい音楽についてあなたは良いと思うか悪いと思うかに関してです

賛成反対両方について書きました。

文法誤りや10/10で評価願います

反対
I think a new music of Hatsune Miku is no good , because it is not a real voice but a machanical voice .
Of coruse, everyone easily can make a lot of music without a real vocalist now.
But a machanical voice can't inform a lot of people to like listening to music of feelings , because it is none too lively, whlle a real voice can inform them of feelings and attraction .
Therefore, I can't understand music of Hatsune Miku .

賛成
I think a new music of Hatsune Miku is a very wonderful invention, because it caused a variety of merits.
For example, there is a success of live peformance.
The live of Hatsune Miku in Japan gathered a lot of people ,regardless of thier age , sex or nationality.
In addition, japanese people can exchange thoughts and ideas with people all over the world by the shared hobby that you listen to music of Hatsune Miku.
Therefore, I can understand the new music of Hatsune Miku.

回答No.1

Him-hymn · ベストアンサー

反対
★I think a new music of Hatsune Miku is no good , because it is not a real voice but a machanical voice.
think (that) S + V ... の否定はthinkのところを否定します。あとはだいたいいいです。

添削例
I don't think the latest music of Hatsune Miku is good because what we hear is not a real voice but a voice produced by a machine.
もし最新のということならthe latestの方がいいでしょう。
it is not a real voiceのitは何をさすのか。わかるのですが、曖昧というか、論理性に欠けるというか。
聞こえてくるものが、real voiceでないとしたのが添削例です。

★Of coruse, everyone easily can make a lot of music without a real vocalist now.
musicだけならピアノでもいいのであって、without a real vocalistでは、？？？となります。

Of coruse, you can easily produce mechanical voices these days.
シンプルにしました。

★But a machanical voice can't inform a lot of people to like listening to music of feelings, because it is none too lively, whlle a real voice can inform them of feelings and attraction.
この文は今回の中では最悪です。意味がつかめませんねえ。添削も手こずります。
machanical → mechanical
My point is, a mechanical voice may not move your hearts at all
because it has no feelings, while a real voice may inspire us with feelings.

★Therefore, I can't understand music of Hatsune Miku .
一応いいでしょう。この文は。
Therefore, I do not think Hatsune Miku's music with her voice in it is a great piece of musical art.
このようにもできます。

賛成
★I think a new music of Hatsune Miku is a very wonderful invention, because it caused a variety of merits.
it causes ... merits がひっかかりますねえ。
I think a new music of Hatsune Miku is a very wonderful invention, because it has a variety of merits.

★For example, there is a success of live peformance.
成功例となれば過去のことですよね。過去形にしましょう。
For example, there was a huge success of her live performance in 2010.
いつかは知りませんが。

★The live of Hatsune Miku in Japan gathered a lot of people, regardless of thier age , sex or nationality.
A great number of people gathered at the live performance (showも可）of Hatsune Miku in Japan. People were there regardless of thier age , sex or nationality.

★In addition, japanese people can exchange thoughts and ideas with people all over the world by the shared hobby that you listen to music of Hatsune Miku.
japanese → Japanese。
In addition, Japanese people can exchange thoughts and ideas with people all over the world by sharing with them our hobby to listen to music of Hatsune Miku.

★Therefore, I can understand the new music of Hatsune Miku.
Therefore, I think this new music of Hatsune Miku's is a wonderful piece of art.

以上、いかがでしょうか。
否定 6/10
賛成 7/10

回答No.2

youarecutoff

気になるのは
'Cause it's not real voice but a machinecal voiceです。
それだと、
なぜならそれは本当の声じゃない。けどマシーンの声だからだ。になってしまいます
日本人からしたら
本当の声ではないけれど、マシーンの声ではあります
というニュアンスのつもりでも英語にするとニュアンスが変わる場合があるので
'Cause it's not real voice and also its a machinecal voice にしたほうがてきせつだとおもいます。
とてもピンポイントですいません。