英作文の添削をお願いします。

質問

英作文の添削です

誤字訂正箇所や採点を100点基準でお願いします。
ちなみに仮定法をつかっているのは指定条件下にあるので気にしないで下さい…m(__)m

If I became a worker , I woul d live in my home by myself, because to live with only myself is a variety of merits.
Of course, with my family I can save a lot of money : in fact It costs a lo t of money to live by myself .
However,with by myself I would

be free to use the time for myself such as shopping ,reading .,relaxing...and so on.

I would also can independent of
my family and grow as human
.
For example, I would try to make some food and manage to get earnings
.
On the other hand, I would freely can't use the time if I lived with my family, because my parents worry about me when I be in out till being late at night.

Therefore, I suggest that I choose to live with only myself.

この質問を補足する

回答No.1

go_urn · ベストアンサー

大学入試の採点は、採点者により千差万別と思いますので、100点満点の点を出しても、それは個人的な採点に過ぎません。要は、他の受験生よりよいかどうかだけです。

　拝見した限りでは、基礎的なところはしっかりしていますので、すでに受験レベルに達しています。あとは基礎のとりこぼしを防ぐことと、より高度な知識を得て、合格を確実にすることです。

　英文は凝る必要はまったくありません。平易な英語で、論理立てて書ければ、落ちる大学はありません。

１）＞If I became a worker, I would live in my home by myself, because to live with only myself is a variety of merits.

○If I became a worker ... 少し awkward
○I would live in my home by myself ... OK
○because to live with only myself is a variety of merits... "is" は "has"とかでないと、まずいですね。

（代案）
If I were not a student now, and working for a company for instance, I would prefer living by myself to living with my family. I believe there are many good things in living by myself.

２）＞Of course, with my family I can save a lot of money : in fact It costs a lo t of money to live by myself. However,with by myself I would be free to use the time for myself such as shopping ,reading .,relaxing...and so on.

○ここは一般的な議論とするなら、主語を変えたほうがいいでしょう。
○Of course, with my family I can save a lot of money : in fact It costs a lo t of money to live by myself.の２文は同じことですね。コロンも適切な使い方ではないです。
○with by myselfは何かの間違いでしょう。

Of course, if you live with your family, you can save a lot of money, because it is obvious that it costs a lot of money to live independently. However, there is one point that you can't dismiss--namely, that living by yourself means you would be able to use your time much more freely: you can do shopping, read books, or relax, just the way you like. You can decide how to use your time on your own.

３）＞I would also can independent of my family and grow as human. For example, I would try to make some food and manage to get earnings. On the other hand, I would freely can't use the time if I lived with my family, because my parents worry about me when I be in out till being late at night. Therefore, I suggest that I choose to live with only myself.

○independentは形容詞ですので、be independent としなければなりません。
○when I be in out は意味が分かりません。文法的にも be は無理と思います。
○議論が同じことの繰り返しになっています。内容的にもっと充実させたら素晴らしい答案になるでしょう。

（代案）On the other hand, if you live with your family, you can't be a master of your time. If you don't come home late at night for example, your parents begin to worry, and you will have to hear their bitter sermons when you are back, even when you are confident of your safety.
　Another good point of living alone: you can grow as a man or a woman by becoming independent of your family. Sometimes you need to cook, do the laundry, clean your room, put out the garbage, pay the bills--practically everything that you need to do to live a decent life. It may be tough, but it is these things that make you grow and develop into a fully mature person. These are the reasons why I would choose to live by myself.

お礼

回答ありがとうございました！詳しくてよくわかりました頑張ります