英文見てもらえますか？

質問

国が来年の予算を出してくれなかったので、大学が一年休学することになりました。あなたは何をしますか？具体的に」
というテーマで１５０～１７５語程度で書く問題でした。

文法のミス、言葉の使い方などアドバイスしてもらえますか？
また、もし大学入試の問題として７０点満点で採点するなら何点ぐらいになるでしょうか？

Firstly, I will find some part time jobs to make money and save whole payment. I want to try to do something physical labor, such as carrying and cleaning. After graduation, I want to use my language skills so physical labor may give me very important experiences and great opportunity to know better about constitution of our society. Moreover, I want to learn many skills which aren’t taught at my college.

Secondly, I will challenge traveling alone one or two months. At first, I want to visit Korea to see my friends living in Seoul, and then I directly go to Tianjin China by a ship from Incheon to visit another hometown where I spent couple of years. Budget permitting, I will fly to Eastern Europe and Turkey to walk around historical and religious cities, if not, I will go Southeast Asia to see ethnic culture. These experiences should be the best way to know the world, to practice language skills and to be a student who can contribute to internationalization.

おねがいします

回答No.1

Agee

>I want to use my language skills so physical labor may give me very important experiences
「肉体労働」と「語学習得」がどうして関係あるのか理解出来ません。"very important experiences"であることは確実でしょうが。

>I want to learn many skills which aren’t taught at my college.
"skills which aren’t taught"という受動態は変ですね。「大学が教えないskill」と能動態でしょう。

>Tianjin China
"Tokyo, Japan"のように、国名の前にカンマが要ります。

>ethnic culture
東南アジア諸国を巡るのであれば、当然"ethnic cultures"と複数になるべきでしょう。

お礼

ありがとうございます