英語のエッセイです。どなたか間違い、訂正、アドバイス等をください。

質問

英語のエッセイです。どなたか間違いの訂正をお願いします

Death penalty has a long history. It has existed at almost the same time human society was formed. People executed it in various ways. Sometimes it executed in very cruel way. Many countries, including Japan, have still been adopting it for the heaviest punishment. However, many advanced countries abolished it in recent years. I think Japan should retain capital punishment, riding this trend for four reasons.

First of all, I think no one have a right to kill someone even if he or she is offender. Human dignity is the universal truth that is the basis of ethics. There is nothing more important than life. I think there is the other better way than killing such as life imprisonment. All people have human rights and capital punishment violate them. Therefore, we should not allow the death penalty.

Second reason is that there is possibility of a misjudgment of death penalty. Of course, once capital punishment was executed, person who was put to death would never rise again. Even if he or she was proved to be clear, we could not save him or her after death penalty. In this case, government killed innocent person without rational reason. If there is possibility of a misjudgment of death penalty, we should abolish the death penalty.

Third reason is that death penalty should not be adopted for the sake of crime prevention. Some defender of the death penalty say that death penalty have strong deterrent effect against crimes. However, it may not exactly be true. There is no evidence to proof it and there are many safe countries without death penalty. I think we need not to use death penalty as a deterrent power. Death penalty doesn’t have deterrent power against crimes.

Forth reason is that death penalty is very cruel punishment. Person who is sentenced to death get not only bodily suffering but also mental anguish. Waiting for determined death is very dreadful and there is no possibility to avoid being killed. Death penalty is not just a bodily punishment. It is also a mental punishment and government does not have the right to punish death-row prisoners’ mentality

In conclusion, death penalty is very dangerous to threaten our right as humans. Death penalty has possibility to kill innocent people and it is not just a bodily punishment. We all have human dignity and no one have right to damage it. A flow of the global ideas is to abolish the death penalty and we should not ignore this flow if Japan is a country which value human life. We must abolish the death penalty as soon as possible.

回答No.3

chi4pitbul

これはArgumental Essayですね。
文法上の「間違い」は他の回答者の方々にお任せします。

が、”I think....”という表現はArgumental Essayにはご法度です。
これ鉄則です。もっとはっきり言い切る事が肝心です。

またSimple Sentenceが多すぎます。Compound SentenceやComplex Sentence
を使った方が、アカデミックな意味で良いエッセイになると思います。
例えば、Third reasonのパラグラフの２つ目と３目のセンテンス、
２つ目の最後の"...against crimes."で文を終わらせず、
"...against crimes; however, it may not..."とすれば
Compound sentenceになって、すっきりと美しく、また教養のある
文になりますよ。

一応、アメリカでESLの先生目指してる、オバサンからの
アドバイスです。

少しでもお役に立てたら幸いです。

回答No.2

kyle_1983

第６段落　very dangerous →　a very dangerous one
第２段落　way →　ways
仁変更します。

回答No.1

kyle_1983

内容面には踏み込まず、以下のように修正してみました。
不正確なところもあるかもしれません。
全体的に、同義の文・語の反復を減らしてください。
三番目の理由に関して、死刑に抑止力がないことの根拠を
もっと説得的に論ずる必要があるように思います。

Death penalty has a long history. It has been existing from the beginning of the human society. People have been executed in various ways, sometimes in a very cruel manner. Many countries, including Japan, still adopts it as the heaviest punishment. However, many advanced countries abolished it in recent years. I think Japan should retain【abolish?】 capital punishment, following this trend, for the four reasons.

First of all, since all people have human rights , even an offender must not be killed . Human dignity is universal and is the basis of ethics. There is nothing more important than human life. I think there are 【we can adopt?】 some other way such as life imprisonment. Capital punishment violates human rights. (Therefore, we should not allow the death penalty.)

Second reason is that there is a possibility of misjudgment in executing death penalty. Of course, once a capital punishment is executed, a person who is killed will never recover again. Even if he or she proved to be innocent, we would not be able to save him or her (after the execution of the death penalty). (In this case, government killed an innocent person without rational reason.) Since there is even a slightest possibility of misjudgment in executing death penalty, we should abolish it.

Third reason is the fact that death penalty is not an appropriate measure to prevent crimes. Some defenders of death penalty say that it has a strong deterrent effect on crimes. However, it may not be true. There is no evidence that proves the connection between these two, and many countries without death penalties are safe. I think we need not use death penalty as a deterrent power. Death penalty doesn’t have deterrent power against crimes.

Forth reason is the cruelty of death penalty. A person who is sentenced to death gets not only a physical suffering but also a mental one. Waiting for determined death is very dreadful, because there is no chance of avoiding being killed.( Death penalty is not just a bodily punishment, but is also a mental one. )The government does not have a right to punish death-row prisoners mentaly.

In conclusion, death penalty is very dangerous that threatens our human rights. It also has a possibility to kill innocent people, and is not just a bodily punishment. We all have human dignity and no one has a right to damage it. We should not ignore the fact that under the global standard the death penalty is to be abolished, since Japan is a country which values human life. We must abolish the death penalty as soon as possible.