英語のエッセイで困っています。

質問

このようなエッセイを大学の課題で作成しました。内容はともかく、文法の間違い、意味が通じない等ございましたら、訂正、指摘お願いいたします。

The fragrance of the trees evokes hometown. I come back hometown once a year.
There are some differences between hometown I used to live in and the city I live
in now, for example, population, air, scene, and so on. There is something the most
different between the two. It is the fragrance.
Fragrance is closely connected with memory. This fact was discovered in the past.
It is called "Involuntary memory". It is a conception of human memory in which cues
encountered in life evoke recollections of the past without conscious effort.
Involuntary memory is a concept made famous by the writer Marcel Proust in his novel
"In Serch of Lost Time", although the idea was also developed in his earlier writings.
In this connection, It is called " Proust effect", too. For example, when you feel
the fragrance of a detergent, you probably remember that you had a good time with your
mother.
Even if I live separated from my hometown, when I feel the fragrance of the trees
from my desk or my pencil around me, the fragrance calls up the memory of hometown.
I enjoy my reminiscences of childhood. There are many memories. The impression I got
from that occasion remains vivid. Tears come to my eyes when I think of those days.
I neglected my studies and spends my time having fun. The scent of the trees wafted
itself around the playground every day.
By the way, in the city, is there no scent which recalls past life? Of course, I
can feel much fragrance there. However, the fragrance in the city, for instance,
exhaust gas or concrete, don't make a vivid impression on me. The fragrance in the
country seems to be more deeply impressed on me rather than that in the city.
Furthermore, in my opinion, The fragrance in hometown is the scent which I sniffed
in childhood. In short,that is the first experience. So this scense seemes to be
deeply engraved on my mind for a long time.
Thus, the fragrance of the trees evokes my life in childhood. It is very happy
to remember the memories in hometown. Recently,however, the trees are leveled to
make way for the land development in hometown. So when I came back to hometown before,
the scent of the trees is almost disappeared. And playground changed into a residential
area five years ago. Mountains which I would often climb in summer vacation are likely
to be destroyed to build a golf course. "What fragrance evoke your hometown ?" Maybe
you don't know how to reply when asked something like that out of the blue. I think
it is natural. But someone who is alive 100 years later may answer like this.
"The fragrance of the concrete and plastic"

回答No.3

IXTYS

大変な労作、ご苦労さまです。立派な英語になっています。　

文法的な大きな間違いはありません。　自信を持って,ご自分で推敲されることをお薦めします。　こういう長文の推敲は面と向かって、本音を聞きながら和気藹々の雰囲気でやらないと良いものにはなりません。　時間をかけて意見を書いてみても、気に召さねばボツ。　お互い《隔靴掻痒》で終ってしまいます。

回答No.2

mabomk

大変お上手です、論点内容には一切手を加えずに、細かい言い回しに僅かばかりの修正を加えております。あまりに細かすぎて、ご本人しか気がつかれない様な「微かな薫りがする微修正」です。　最後の結論めいた部分が若干弱い気もするが、それはそれで(笑)

The fragrance of the trees evokes hometown. I usually visit my
hometown once a year.　There are some visible and invisible
differences between hometown I used to live in and the city I
live in now, for example, location, population, air, scent,
and so on.

I notice that there is something which makes the two
apparently different. It is the fragrance. It is closely
connected with memory. The fact was discovered in the past. It
is called "Involuntary memory". It is a conception of human
memory in which cues us to recollect the past without conscious effort.

Involuntary memory is a concept made famous by the writer
Marcel Proust in his novel "In Search of Lost Time", although
the idea had been developed in his earlier writings. In this
connection, It is called "Proust effect", too. For example,
when you feel the fragrance of a detergent, you probably
remember your childhood good time with your mother.

Even if I live far from my hometown, sometimes I feel the
fragrance calls up the memory of my hometown when I sense the
fragrance of the trees coming from my desk or my pencil around
me. I then can enjoy reminiscences of my childhood.

There are many memories. The impression I got from that
occasion remains vivid. Tears come to my eyes when I think of
these days. I neglected my studies and spent my time for
having fun. I know I was unconsciously feeling the scent of
the trees wafted itself around the playground everyday. By the
way, in the city, do we have some scent which recalls our past
life? Of course, I can feel much fragrance there. However, the
fragrance in the city, for instance, exhaust gas or concrete,
doesn't imprint any vivid and memorable image on me. The
fragrance in the country seems to be more deeply impressing on
me rather than that in the city.

Furthermore, in my opinion, The fragrance in hometown is the
scent which I sniffed in childhood. In short, that is the
first experience. So this scent seems to be deeply engraved in
my mind for a long time. Thus, the fragrance of the trees
clearly evokes my childhood life.

I feel very happy when I have a chance to remember the
memories in hometown. Recently, however, the trees are leveled
to make way for the land development in hometown. So when I
visited my hometown before, the scent of the trees had been
almost disappeared. And playgrounds were diverted into a
residential area five years ago. Mountains which I used to
climb in summer vacation are likely to be destroyed for a golf
course.

"What fragrance evoke your hometown ?" Maybe you don't know
how to reply when asked something like that out of the blue. I
think it is natural. But someone who is alive 100 years later
may answer like this. "The fragrance of the concrete and
plastic"

臭いで昔を思い出す、、、、この人間が持つ能力(?)の不思議さをもう一つ突き詰めると面白かったのかも、、、、参考意見として。

fragrance は「香料系の香り」とされますが、実用例として比喩的に「自然の香り」にも使用されますので、、、、議論はあるところですが、、、、

floral fragrance /// 花の香り
fragrance of balsam /// バルサムの香り
fragrance of coffee /// コーヒーの香り
fragrance of pine /// 松の木の香り
fragrance of roses /// バラのにおい
fragrance of seawater /// 海の潮の香り

お礼

ありがとうございます。細かなニュアンスの修正大変助かります。
英作文すらうまくできないので、エッセイはとても大変です。

回答No.1

M_Sato

添削は苦手なのでパスしますが、このエッセイのキーワードになっている「香り」についてコメントさせていただきます。
「香り」の訳語としては
aroma
flavor
odor
smell
scent
stench
等々あります。
質問者さまが使っておられる fragrance という単語は
・香水・コロンなどの芳香製品の総称
・香水・コロンや香料・花などから発せられる芳香
を指します。
このエッセイで述べているような「香り」の場合は、odor または scent が適当ではないかと思います。特に「においを発する源に重点がある」場合は odor を使うのが適切です。