日本語から英語への翻訳の添削をお願いします。

質問

英語は理解できますが、自分で書くことができません。
練習しているので、文法的に間違っているところ、表現を変えた方がいいところなど教えてくだされば嬉しいです。（下に自分の英訳を載せています）
ぼろぼろですが、どうぞよろしくお願いします。

彼は、メガバンクの法人業務部で１２年間働いている。
最初から大企業担当、東京支店を目指していたが、
名古屋３年間、岐阜３年間、静岡３年間を経て
１０年目にしてやっと丸の内支店担当になった。

やりがいは、企業の社長と親密に話せること、
社長にありがとうと言ってもらえること
自分の提案で、その会社の方針が動くこと

とにかくお客様のニーズを引き出す為に、
雑談もたくさんして仲良くなること。
３０分話して、２０分は雑談、１０分だけ仕事の話というのも多いようだ。

大変なことは、３０社もの会社を同時に引き受けるため、
時間のやりくりが難しい。
また、田舎の場合は車で３０分移動しないといけないなど、
時間がとられる。
たくさんの電話がかかってくるから、対応が大変。

He works at the mega bank in Corporate Services division　for 12years.
However he was aiming for the Tokyo branch from the beginning,it was difficult to apply
the wish.
He worked at Nagoya for 3 years, then at Gifu for 3 years ,and Shizuoka 3 years.
9years after and finally he came to Marunouchi branch.

His rewarding in this job is to talk with CEO of enterprise,and they say “thank you” to him.And when he sees their enterprise decides a strategy along his proposition.

To get many information of the needs,you must talk with them for long time and be intime.
Sometimes,they talk for 30minutes,among that they chat for 20 minutes,then they get start the topic of business.

The hardship for him is to take charge of 30 company at the same time,so time management is too difficult.
Also if he works at country,it takes 30 minutes by car to visit each companies.
He get a lot of phone call from these companies,so he is very busy.

回答No.2

cbm51901

For 12 years, he has been working for a mega bank in the Corporate Services division.
Though he had hoped to start off in Tokyo, handling large companies, it took him 9 years before he was posted to Marunouchi branch; his first assignment was a 3-year tenure at the Nagoya branch, after which he was transferred to Gifu, and then to Shizuoka, both for a 3-year period.

He finds the work rewarding in that he can talk toe-to-toe with the business's CEOs, receive their gratitude in person, and that he can influence the business's strategies through his suggestions.

He says the secret is to build up friendship in order to elicit the clients' needs. If he has a half-an-hour meeting with a CEO, it is not uncommon that he would spend 20 minutes just having a chat, leaving 10 minutes to talk business.

The challenge is that he is responsible for 30 businesses at any one time, and it is a nightmare to schedule his work. For example, in cases where the business is located in the suburb, half an hour is spent traveling by car. Besides, he must deal with dozens of phone calls and that alone is demanding.

[知っておくと便利な表現]
... it took him xx years before ...
... talk toe-to-toe with ...
... in person ...
... the secret to ...
... it is not uncommon ... (double negative)
... at any one time ...
... it is a nightmare to ...
... that alone is ...

回答No.1

SPS700

For twelve years he worked at a mega bank in the Corporate Services division.

At first he aimed to work at the Tokyo branch and handle big accounts but only after three years each at Nagoya, Gifu, and Shizuoka he came to the Marunouchi branch in the tenth year.

He found the work rewarding because he could talk closely with the CEO's of the client enterprises, the company presidents were thankful to him, and the companies adopted his suggestions.

In order to find out his clients' needs he tried to stay on friendly terms with them, sometimes allocating as much as twenty minutes out of thirty to social small talks while saving ten for business.

What was difficult to manage was that he had to take care of some thirty client companies at once and find time for each of them as well as in traveling time in the country, which took as long as thirty minutes, and many telephone calls.
とも。