大学の英語のエッセイの課題点数低いので助けてくださ
問あなたのコミュニティは幸せですか？ふこうですか？
課題指定
A single paragraph of at least 7 sentences (1 topic sentence, 3 supporting ideas, and at least 1 detail sentence for each idea)
Write in your own words. (Do not copy text.)
Write in formal English (i.e., complete sentences; no contractions; no sentences beginning with coordinating contractions such as "and," "but," or "so"; avoid using first- and -second-person pronouns)
Formatted in MLA style
Use the Microsoft Word MLA Template and clearly identify which assignment, for example: Task_1_Draft.docx
Write for a non-Japanese audience which might not know anything about Japan.
Follow the attached "Writing Draft Submission Instructions."
IMPORTANT: Before you submit, save a backup copy of your draft to OneDrive as explained in the instructions.
Note: The MLA model demonstrates MLA formatting. Its topic is not the same as the Writing Task 1 topic. You need to write about your community. An entire country cannot be considered a community.
My community’s happy: Communication with each other
My community, my part-time job at after school children's club, Sozen 1st and 2nd After School Children Club in Hiratuka, is generally happy. The reason I find my community generally happy is greeting each other. Studies have shown that greetings can produce hormones that reduce stress. In fact, my community is always greeting each other. Another reason I find my community generally happy is to play with children. Playing with children will make people fun and happy. According to the University of Illinois, exercising for 20 minutes will make you feel happy. In my community, people play with each other three times an hour each day. The last reason I find my community generally happy is smile. There is a study that shows when you smile, the happy hormone dopamine appears, and you become happy. In fact, my community people always happy because my community laughs constantly. From the above, my community is happy.
という課題を提出したところ厳しいフィードバックをいただいたのですがあまり英語が得意ではないため指摘された点の理解があまりできませんでした。
先生のフィードバックを載せるので次にこのような課題の時どうすればいいのか教えてください
Content (unity, details, originality)
Topic sentence is confusing. Can a job be a community? Why did you ignore my advice on your first draft? Sentences 3, 7, and 10 are off topic.
あとMLAすたいるの書き方でもないといわれました
Language (clarity, word choice, style)
Incorrect/repetitive: "I find my community generally happy" Incorrect/unusual/unclear usage/word choice: greeting, to play, fun, smile, community people, from the above
次に生かしたいのでよろしくお願いします
お礼
ありがとうございました！