英作文の添削をして下さい＼(^o^)／

質問

こんにちは！

ついさきほど、住みたい国を自由に選びその理由を述べるというテーマの英作文をしました。

もし、不自然な点、明らかにおかしい点などがありましたらお教えくださいm(__)m

I want to live in Hawaii. When my family and I visited there 5 years ago, we got a lot of fun. I spended most of times swimming in the sea. The sea was so clear that there were many kinds of fish. I think it's very nice to be able to swim there every day. Besides, all foods I ate in Hawaii were very delicious. I want to eat dishes which we ate at a restaurant once again. I think living in Hawaii is great. So I chose Hawaii.

回答No.3

Him-hymn · ベストアンサー

★I want to live in Hawaii.
→もし住みたい国となると、ハワイは国でないので、まずいですね。
せめて、
I want to live in one part of the United States, that is, Hawaii.
というぐらいのごまかしをして下さい。

★When my family and I visited there 5 years ago, we got a lot of fun.
5　→　five これは書き言葉は、20までという人もいますが、少なくても一桁の数字はつづりましょう。

★I spended most of times swimming in the sea.
→spended → spent, most of times → most of time
これでいいのですが、
I spent most of time swimming at Wikiki beach.
とかすれば臨場感がでます。
また、seaよりもoceanかなとも思います。

★The sea was so clear that there were many kinds of fish.
→clearだと魚が多いのですか？この展開は問題あり。
The water was so clear that I saw many kinds of fish there.
clearだから見えるのですよね。

★I think it's very nice to be able to swim there every day.
I think it would be very nice if I could swim there every day.
仮定法の出番です。

★Besides, all foods I ate in Hawaii were very delicious.
これは文法的に正しい文です。
添削→The foods I ate in Hawaii were all very delicious.
私ならallの位置を変えますがーーall foodsもまずくはありません。
でも私なら
Everything I ate in Hawaii was very delicious.
と言いたいと思います。

★ I want to eat dishes which we ate at a restaurant once again.
これも大丈夫。
ただし、何日か滞在して、たった一軒のレストランでしか食べなかったのですか？それが本当ならいいのですが。
I want to eat dishes that we had in Hawaii once again.
でレストランの軒数を言わずにすませられます。

I think living in Hawaii is great. So I chose Hawaii.
これもいいですが。（ハワイは国ではなかったですが）
I think living in Hawaii was a great experience. That is why I chose the country America, and its specific part, Hawaii)
現在形の一般論でなく、自分の経験と言った方が、読者を引き込めます。

以上、いかがでしょうか？

お礼

まず、ハワイは国では無かったですね(笑)
なんてしょうもないミスを犯してるんだorz

とても丁寧に添削していただき、本当にありがとうございます。圧巻です(笑)
仮定法はこんな感じで使えばいいんですね～...
色々と勉強になりました！

回答ありがとうございましたm(__)m

回答No.2

sporespore

I want to live in Hawaii someday. When my family and I visited there 5 years ago, we got a lot of fun. I spent most of time in swimming in the sea. The sea was so clear that we could see many kinds of fish. I think it will be very nice to be able to swim there every day. Moreover, all dishes we enjoyed in Hawaii were very delicious. I wish I could enjoy the dishes which we had once again. I think living in Hawaii would be great. Thus, I chose Hawaii to live.

お礼

話の流れはそのままで細かいところを手直ししていただきありがとうございます！
やっぱり結構間違いがあったんですねorz

回答ありがとうございましたm(__)m

回答No.1

marbleshit

大変に明快でテンポの良い英文です。
細かい事を申上げれば、

I want to eat dishes which we ate at a restaurant once again.

この文章ですが、ある特定のレストランのメニューであれば、

I want to eat the dishes which we ate at the restaurant once again.

となり、不特定の色々なレストランのメニューであれば、

I want to eat dishes which we ate at restaurants once again.

となります。

また最後の一文、So I chose Hawaii. は、

That's why I chose Hawaii.

とされる方がよいでしょう。

ご参考まで。

お礼

褒めていただいたので顔がニヤつきました(笑)
That's why～は知ってはいても、いざ使い所になっても頭に浮かばないものなんだな～とちょっと残念でしたorz

回答ありがとうございましたm(__)m