英作文の添削をお願いします！

質問

英語でスピーチをする予定があり、原稿を作ったのですが、文法や自然な表現に自信がないので、長文ですが添削をお願いします！^^

Are you happy? Of course there are many happy, enjoyable things. Sports, movies, shopping, and so forth. However, there are also many unhappy, depressive things. Do you surely think you are really happy?
Today, the world is facing many serious problems. Discrimination, poverty, war, and so forth. However, we Japanese don’t have such serious problems. We were born in blessed, rich land, Japan. We can eat, buy what we want, and …..live. Then, what are the problems? Big one of the problems Japan facing is a problem of stress. I also suffer from the stress. “One pair of half pants is called pajamas”. “I’m called a Yankee because my hair is gold.” I’ll move on my topic. There are many stress. Human relationships, anxiety, a sense of inferiority, the number of stress is limitless. Because of these stress, many people cannot imagine bright future, only suffer from stress. If we suffer from stress, we cannot concentrate enjoyable things, and enjoy our lives.
Stress has influence on not only our mind, but also our body. You can imagine depression as mental disease, difficult breathing, circulatory system and digestive system. To know these effects, perhaps you know how serious stress is. By the way, have you think of any solutions for stress?
As I said before, there are many kind of stress, and those causes are also different. But I declare one cause of stress is broadcasting. This linkage is seemed unrealistic. However, media make us imagine there are full of sad accidents, crimes, disease and so on. We live in dark world. Why do we believe that? This is because we watch a number of news, broadcasting sad and dark things. Our brains believe the world we live is dark, not bright unconsciously. Of course there are not only dark ones, but also bright ones, but media focus on dark ones more easily, than bright ones. As I take one example, news about bullying. This news is broadcasted many times, and gathers much attention. That’s why our brains believe the world is full of sadness, hopeless. And we easily feel depression and suffer from stress.
Then, how can we save ourselves? How can we release stress? Which way is the best way to solve the problem? Excluding the cause of stress? Or Changing society itself creating stress? Banning broadcasting dark news? All of them are not seemed effective way to solve it. Do we have to endure stress or deceive ourselves? We don’t suffer from stress. I’m OK. I’m OK. I’m happy
No way. I refuse to do that. All we have to do is to deceive our brains. We have two simple choices to do. 1st is to look into just bright future. If we do that, our brains recognize only bright future without thinking and we think in a positive way. However, this way is not a perfect way. Some really suffer from stress and cannot look into bright future. Then, I will introduce 2nd way. 2nd is to appreciate 3 things every day and write down them. For example, I live with my aunt and she takes care of me. Now, I write down three things. 1st, “my aunt cooks a meal for me.” Thank to that, I keep my health and eat delicious food. 2nd, “every morning, my aunt sends me to the station.” That’s why I can save my time in the morning and sleep more. 3rd, “on my birthday, my aunt give me 1000 yen.” 1000 yen is not a little money!! To continue this, your brains will believe there are full of many happy, bright, fine things. We live in a happy world.
Some of you think why this is beneficial for you? Yes. I’ll explain it. By getting this thought, positive way to look into your future, you suffer from less and less stress, and are released from stress. This is totally enough.
And, the effect is not only reducing stress. Please don’t be surprised. By released from stress, your brains work well as 30%. You will not have trouble to studying. You will be able to get degree more easily. Good! If you got this thought, your future would be bright.
I hope you will get bright future.

回答No.2

sakurasou_9 · ベストアンサー

こんにちわ。学生さんですか？わたしも学生時代に英語でスピーチ大会に参加したことあります。懐かしいですね。
現在は翻訳の仕事をしています。

文法的にあやしいところはいくらでもあるんですが、長文で全部訂正してられないので、これだけはどうしても直してほしい個所だけ以下に記します。

まず　Yankee　はアメリカ人のことをいう俗語なので、絶対削除です。いわゆる日本語の「ヤンキー」の定義が曖昧だし、該当する英語もないし、べつにあなたが不良少年ってわけでもなさそうだから、この記述はまるごと（ダボダボズボンの説明のあたり含め）削除したほうがいいです。

あと、"We were born in blessed, rich land, Japan. "は、"We were born in an economically advantaged country, Japan."にしましょう。でないと、”神に祝福された肥沃の大地をもつ国”みたいに聞こえ、外国の人が聞いたら「？？？」でしょう。

"As I said before, there are many kind of stress, and those causes are also different. But I declare one cause of stress is broadcasting. This linkage is seemed unrealistic."

は、以下に訂正させてください。（重要なポイントだとおもうので）

As I mentioned earlier, there are many things that cause stress, but I am certain that one of the causes is media coverage, although the linkage may sound unrealistic.

次に、文法ではなくスピーチの趣旨についてです。

原稿読んでみて伝わってくる主張は、”世の中メディアが暗いニュースばかり取り上げるから、深層意識に’世界は辛いところだ’とすりこまれて良くないので、明るいところに目を向けよう、かといって実際に苦しみは存在しているので、それがあたかも無いようにとらえるのも良くない、だからせめて自分に与えられているところに感謝をしよう”で、とても素晴らしいと思うのですが、先のコメントで指摘されているように、たしかにちょっとまとまりがないのと、おばさんに関することは余計な気がします。あまりあなた個人のことを取り上げても、スピーチを聞いてる人は興味ないでしょう。For example, I live with～　から ～in a happy world.　は削除したほうがよいと思います。おばさんへの感謝をここで言いたい気持ちはわかりますが・・・。おばさんと2人のときに、伝えればいいんじゃないかな。

最後の、脳の機能（？）が3割上がれば学位も楽にとれるし・・・といったあたりもちょっと余計かも。医者が医学的調査したうえで言うならいいですが。

わたしも、悪い話ばっかりニュースに出てくるのはいやだ、でも実際シリアのような国では悲惨なことが起こっている、でも、それでも自分はささいなことに感謝し、明るいところを見ていこう・・・といつも自分に言い聞かせてますよ。

がんばってね！

お礼

添削もして下さってありがとうございます^^

ちなみに脳の働きが3割上がるのは医学的根拠がある話なんですよ！
驚きですよね！

回答No.1

spring135

感謝の気持ちがストレスを軽減するというのが趣旨ですか。

感謝の対象（おばさん）とストレスの原因が同じならばこの理屈もむかしからあるので、話はつながりますが、この草稿では明らかに違います。おばさんにいくら感謝してもストレスが減る理由は何にもないように見えます。従って言っていることは全く脈絡がなく、聞いた時間だけ損をした気がします。

推測ですが、質問者は「感謝という気持ちを強く持って、精神状態を改造し、ストレスへの耐性を高めよう」と言いたいのですか。

もしそうなら、それらの関連を明確にして、関連を強調すべきです。

お礼

分かりやすく説明して下さってありがとうございました^^
スピーチのロジックがいかに未完成であったか分かりました！

おばさんに感謝することは例として挙げただけなんですけども、確かに分かりにくい例なので変えました。