英語添削お願いします

質問

テーマは、外国に行ったとき日本について教えてあげたいこと。
文化、流行などなんでも構わないということです。

I want to tell foreign people about Japanese tradition.
It is because I think it would be more meaningful to tell it rather than temporary fashions.
There are two things which especially I want to tell about.
First is Origami. It is unique to japan.
Although it is difficult, it would enable us to communicate with each other.
I think foreign people would enjoy it very much.
Second is Japanese foods.
Recently they have been spreading widely,
but there must be much more Japanese foods which aren't known to foreign people.
I want to tell wonderfulness of them.
If I ware able to tell about such things, foreign people would come to be interested in Japan.

仮定法に自信がありません。
文章構成などについても指摘していただけると嬉しいです。

回答No.2

hidekona

＜主張＞
I want to tell foreign people about Japanese tradition.

＜理由(1)＞
It is because I think it would be more meaningful to tell it rather than temporary fashions.

＜具体例＞
There are two things which especially I want to tell about.

(1)First is Origami. It is unique to japan.
Although it is difficult, it would enable us to communicate with each other.
I think foreign people would enjoy it very much.

(2)Second is Japanese foods.
Recently they have been spreading widely,
but there must be much more Japanese foods which aren't known to foreign people.

＜主張（再帰）＞ I want to tell wonderfulness of them.
If I ware able to tell about such things, foreign people would come to be interested in Japan.（理由(2)？）
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

構成から。
理由(1)＝理由(2)という形にしないと、読み手からすれば「ああ、最後少し反れたな」という印象を受けます。なので、理由(2)を(1)に盛り込んでしまい、＜主張（再帰）＞で同じ内容で締める。こうすれば首尾貫徹した文章になるのではと思います。まあ参考までに。採点には反映されないのが現状だと思います。

文法へ。
仮定法ですが、実際の英文の時制とその意味（日本語訳）の違いに着目しましょう。そこをクリアできればあとはパターンです。

私の草案です。参考に。（但しスペルミスや、語順ミスは防ぎましょう！）

I want more people around the world to know about Japanese culture.
It is because I think it would be more meaningful to tell people over the world what Japanese style is like, instead of just painting over(or REPEATING) temporary fashions. By doing that more people will show interest in Japanese culture.
There are two things which I especially want to introduce.
First is Origami. It is a unique traditional practice in japan. Although it's difficult to both make and teach Origami, it would enable us to communicate with people over seas. I think people from other countries would enjoy it very much.
Second is Japanese food. Recently it has been spreading widely across the world,
but there are still much left to be reveiled. It is a pitty if those unique dishes are left under the dust, untouched by foreign people.
So, I want to tell how wonderful they are. If I were able to get acorss the delightfulness of those Japanese cultures, it would help acknowledge Japanese culture all around the world.

回答No.1

kopanda116

あまり文章書くのは得意ではないですが、

I want to ~
という表現は、子供が親に～が欲しいとか、～してー！というようなニュアンスです。
I'd like to ~
という言い方をします。
ですから、
>>I want to tell foreign people about Japanese tradition.
は、私なら
I'd like to tell goreign people about Japanese cultures.
traditionよりは、cultureのほうがいいかもしれないです。

また、2行目、3行目は簡潔に、
Especially, I have two intruductions of them.
cultureですから、現代のうんたら、かんたらの件があるより、
みんなに２つ言いたいことがある、ということを言うほうが重要です。

次に、折り紙の説明ですが、
>>Although it is difficult, it would enable us to communicate with each other.
文頭の節は正しいと思いますが（俺は鶴以外は折れないし・・・）、
節の後の文章は、なんだか変だと思います。
折り紙は、1枚の紙を折って、なんか物体を作る遊びですから。
人とコミュニケーションがとれるような、というのは変だと思います。

日本食に関してですが、
>>Recently they have been spreading widely,
日本食は広く伝わっているといいたいのでしょうが、
Recently many of them are worldwidely known, for example sushi and so on.
と、世界中に広く知られている！と自信もって言ってしまいましょう！

その次の文章は、だけど、まだまだ知られていない日本食があるよ、ということを言いたいのでしょうか。
ですが、mustですと、知られていない日本食があるに違いない！となっちゃいますね。
外人にとって、知らない日本食があって当然だと思いますが・・・どうでしょう。
ですから、その文章以降、
but quite a few of Japanese foods aren't known to foreign people yet.
Thus, I'd like to tell the introduction of such foods,
if I have the chance to meet them.
I will expect for them to be interested in Japanese culture.
こんなの考えてみましたが、どうでしょう。

私の場合なら・・・という例でした。

補足

詳しい説明ありがとうございます。
折り紙の件なのですが、折り方を教える過程でコミュニケーションがとれるかなということを書きたかったのですが、どういったらいいか分からなくて省略してしまいました・・・。

どのように表現したらよいか教えてくださるとありがたいです。