英検準１級 英作文の添削

質問

◇　文法上の誤りや気になった部分があれば訂正（コメント）してください。
◇　２点刻みの１４点満点で採点してください。

-------------問題-------------
Dear Rin,
I’m writing a report for school about family life, so I’d like to ask you some questions.

My family lives in a rented house, but most families here in the U.S. prefer to buy their own place. Which do you think is better, renting or buying a place to live?

I went to my friend’s house yesterday. His grandparents live with him and his family. Do you think it’s a good idea for three generations to live together?

By the way, my parents only let me watch TV on weekends. Do you think this rule is too strict?

Write back soon.
Ethan

-------------答案-------------

Dear Ethan,
I wrote my answers to your questions below.

I think renting a house is better. In the case of which the one’s rented house was destroyed, for instance, one only have to find another one to live without losing whole property. I believe it is safe choice, for we can easily move to other places.

As for living three generation together, it is a good idea. More and more elderlies seem to die alone. If people live together with their family, all members can take care of each other.

I don’t think your parents do too much. I’m sure TV often prevents us from doing our work. In addition, you can spend more time to communicate with your family. I guess your parents really think of you.

I hope this will help.
Rin

回答No.1

Him-hymn

Dear Ethan,
I wrote my answers to your questions below.
書き始めで、すでに答を書いたというのは、あまり上手な書き方ではありません（たとえ答を先に書いてあったとしても）
添削→I'd like to give my answers to your questions as below.

I think renting a house is better.
→OK

In the case of which the one’s rented house was destroyed, for instance, one only have to find another one to live without losing whole property.
in the case of whichとかなり古めかしい英語ではじまり、しかもこのofがうまくつながっていません。
... one only have to は文法的にはone only has to です。
without losing the whole propertyもとってつけたような感じがします。
添削→If your rented house were destroyed, you would only have to find another house to live. However, if you owned your house and it were destroyed, you might lose both your house and property you owned.

I believe it is safe choice, for we can easily move to other places.
safe choice → a safe choice/a safer choice

As for living three generation together, it is a good idea. More and more elderlies seem to die alone.
three generation → three generations
elderlies → elederly people

If people live together with their family, all members can take care of each other.
→If you live together with your family, members of your family can help each other.
all members とすると、赤ちゃんもそうなの？という感じがします。helpなら子供もできそうですから、まだましかと思いました。
If you live together with your family, the wisdom of the elderly people may pass on to their children and grandchildren. などとするのも１つの方法でしょう。

I don’t think your parents do too much.
→I don't think the rule of your parents is too strict.
しっかりと質問に合わせて答えた方がいいと思います。

I’m sure TV often prevents us from doing our work.
→これまた古めかしい英語ですね。
I'm sure TV often takes away our precious time.
（これもやや堅い表現ではありますが、添削ということで）

In addition, you can spend more time to communicate with your family.
これはいいでしょう。

I guess your parents really think of you.
→ I guess your parents are really thinking of you.

I hope this will help.
Rin
→これはいいと思います。

採点？？　採点基準によっていろいろですね。
8点とするか10点ぐらいでもよいとするか。

以上、ご参考になればと思います。