添削お願いします

質問

次の４コマの内容を英語にしました。文法や英語の表現、文の流れなどおかしな点がありましたらご指摘よろしくお願いします。最初の１文は提示されたものです。
「(1)２人の子どもが走りながら電車に乗ってくる。母親は気にしていない様子。(2)電車の中でも座らずに騒いでいる。乗客は嫌な顔をしている。母親は話に夢中。(3)おじいさんがQuiet!と言う。(4)子どもは静かになり、母親は恐縮している。」

One day, the children got on a train with their mothers. The children ran into the train, however their mothers didn't care about the children's behavior. The children were so cheerful that they couldn't be seating on the train. The passengers felt they were noisy. On the other hand their mothers were occupied in talking each other. Suddenly, an old man next to their mothers said to the children, "Quiet!" They got very surprised. They at last stopped making a noise and their mothers stopped talking. There was peace returning on the train.

よろしくお願いします。

回答No.1

Faumdano · ベストアンサー

添削した文章：
One day, the children got on a train with their mothers. The children ran into the train, however their mothers didn't care about the children's behavior. The children were so cheerful that they didn't take their seat on the train. The passengers felt they were noisy. On the other hand, their mothers were occupied in talking each other. Suddenly, an old man next to their mothers said to the children, "Quiet!" They were very surprised. They at last stopped making noise and their mothers stopped talking. Peace returned to the train.

言い換えた文章（直訳的）:
Two children boarded the train while running. Their mothers didn't appear to mind. Even after they were on board, they, without taking their seats, remained excited. They passengers looked as if they were upset. The mothers were absorbed in conversation. "Quiet," said an old man. The children became quite and the mothers felt ashamed.

補足

回答ありがとうございます。言い換えた文章は、参考にさせていただきます。私の英語の力だとここまで書けません。。。ここで、１つ質問をさせてください。私の書いた英語は自然な英語でしょうか。もしネイティブが書いていたら何歳くらいの子(人）が書いた英語だと感じますか。お答えよろしくお願いします。

回答No.2

Faumdano

『私の書いた英語は自然な英語でしょうか。』
ネイティブなこのわたくしには、そうですとも！、と思います。ちょっとした間違いがあったとしても

『もしネイティブが書いていたら何歳くらいの子(人）が書いた英語だと感じますか』
実は、あなたの書いたほうが、私が書いた直訳的な文章よりかなり大人らしいものです。私の書いた文章なら、小学生の感じがします。それと比べてあなたが書いたのは、中校生とか高校生が書いた気がします。

お礼

ご回答ありがとうございます。少し自信がつきました。：）