間違っていたら訂正お願いします。

質問

自己紹介です。
個人情報の部分は〇〇にしております。見にくくてすいません(>_<)

Hello. My name is 〇〇and the first name is come from Bible. I’m nineteen years old. I was born in 〇〇 where my mother grown up and move to 〇〇 when I was 2 years old. Until that times I have been lived in 〇〇prefecture 〇〇city. I have a little brother. We sometimes got into fight when I was high school student but now we seldom get into fight so we are good times with. There are four people in my family. I work at McDonald’s as resister but sometimes as drinker ;　making drinks when newcomer working the same times.
I like take a walk, watch English movies, listening songs, sing a song, sleeping, watching comedy and hang out with my friend when I have free time. My favorite movie is “Pirates of the Caribbean”. I also like actor of Johnny Depp so I once sent him a fan letter to him which one of my friend helmed me with writing English. He replied me after 2 month I said him want to your picture with your sign written so he sent me that. now that one of my treasure. My favorite singer is One Ok Rock, Alexandros,
One Direction and back number. I once went to a concert of One Direction last year’s spring with a woman met twitter at Saitama Super Arena. We could take photos and videos because they asked Japanese staff. I had a seat where I could take photo and videos clearly using cellphone. I want to go to a concert of One Ok Rock next time. My favorite comedian is “Ishibasihazama”, sandwich　man” and “Nakagawake” .Except “ishibashihazama” they are famous comedian. I went to LUMINE2 in shinjyuku to watch “Ishibashihazama” with my high school friend when we finished examinations for enter in college. It was my first time to see comedy at LUMINE. We really laughing at them. We surprised at Hazama one of the comedian because he proposed to a little longtime love and it was succeeded at that time. We never seen and faced to such a situation. I hope someday the day will come to me too. haha
　I also like keep in touch with foreign people using English. I think it is the best way to improve English skill. Because we use words and vocabulary by speaking English and sending mails which we learn　and studying English. Not only that but also they teach me English and can make friends with. I have some Americans, Germany, Indonesian and Netherlands friends. We met online site such as “hello talk” and “inter pals pen pals” now we are keep in touch with using line or skype. I’m not good at English so many times I asked them please use more easy English or what is it means and can’t join in conversation when they talking difficult subjects such as politics. So I going to study English more to improve English ability and also get higher TOEIC score.

回答No.1

92128bwsd · ベストアンサー

長いなあ。２回にわけてコメントします。表現が自然かどうかはなるべく置いておいて、文法的なところだけ指摘します。

Hello. My name is 〇〇and the first name is come from Bible.
*is come from Bible -> is derived from a person (story) in the Bible

I’m nineteen years old. I was born in 〇〇 where my mother grown up and move to 〇〇 when I was 2 years old.
*where my mother grew up

Until that times I have been lived in 〇〇prefecture 〇〇city.
* Before the moving, we lived in ○○city of ○○prefecture. または、Until を使うのであれば、
Until that time, we had lived in...

I have a little brother.
*a younger brother

We sometimes got into fight when I was high school student but now we seldom get into fight so we are good times with.
*we are having good time together.

There are four people in my family. I work at McDonald’s as resister but sometimes as drinker ;　making drinks when newcomer working the same times.
* I'm working in McDonald's at a casher but sometimes at a drinker as for backup of new employees.

I like take a walk, watch English movies, listening songs, sing a song, sleeping, watching comedy and hang out with my friend when I have free time.
*I like taking a walk, watching English movies, listening to songs, sleeping, watching comedies on TV and hangout (またはhanging out) with my friend when I have free time.

My favorite movie is “Pirates of the Caribbean”. I also like actor of Johnny Depp so I once sent him a fan letter to him which one of my friend helmed me with writing English.
* I also like Johnny Depp, the starring actor of the movie, so I once sent him a fan letter helped by my friend to completed it in English.

He replied me after 2 month I said him want to your picture with your sign written so he sent me that. now that one of my treasure.
*He replied me after two month. As I asked hime for his picture with his hand-written autograph, he did so to me. または
He gave me a reply after two months with his picture autographed by himself as I asked.

now that one of my treasure.
*Now that is one of my treasure.

My favorite singer is One Ok Rock, Alexandros, One Direction and back number.
*My favorite musicians are One Ok Rock, Alexandros, One Direction and Back number.

I once went to a concert of One Direction last year’s spring with a woman met twitter at Saitama Super Arena.
*I went to a concert of One Direction last year spring at Saitama Super Arena with a woman (girl?) knowing each other through Twitter.

お礼

ありがとうございます

回答No.2

92128bwsd

We could take photos and videos because they asked Japanese staff.
* 意味がわかりにくいのですが、One Direction が日本のスタッフ会場での写真撮影をOKにするように頼んでくれたと言うことですか？
We could take photos and videos there because they asked their staffs to allow the audiences to do that.

I had a seat where I could take photo and videos clearly using cellphone.
*a seat from where

I want to go to a concert of One Ok Rock next time. My favorite comedian is “Ishibasihazama”, sandwich　man” and “Nakagawake” .Except “ishibashihazama” they are famous comedian.
*comedians

I went to LUMINE2 in shinjyuku to watch “Ishibashihazama” with my high school friend when we finished examinations for enter in college.
*when we finished examinations for enter in college -> after all of entrance exams for a college.

It was my first time to see comedy at LUMINE. We really laughing at them.
*We laughed out loud there very much.

We surprised at Hazama one of the comedian because he proposed to a little longtime love and it was succeeded at that time.
* これはわかってもらえなさそうな文です。
We surprised that Hazama, a member of the group, personally proposed a lady whom he'd loved for a long which was successful.

We never seen and faced to such a situation.
* We've never seen and faced (witnessed の方が良いかな）

I hope someday the day will come to me too. haha
* I hope I will have the same thing someday to me, too.

　I also like keep in touch with foreign people using English.
* I also like to keep in touch with foreign people in English.

I think it is the best way to improve English skill. Because we use words and vocabulary by speaking English and sending mails which we learn　and studying English.
* Because we can (have to) use English words and vocabulary in practical manner when we speak and write them which we've just learned. That is very good English practice.

Not only that but also they teach me English and can make friends with.
* and I can make friends thorough the communication

I have some Americans, Germany, Indonesian and Netherlands friends.
*Americans-> American

We met online site such as “hello talk” and “inter pals pen pals” now we are keep in touch with using line or skype.
* are keeping in touch each other with using Line or Skype

I’m not good at English so many times I asked them please use more easy English or what is it means and can’t join in conversation when they talking difficult subjects such as politics.
* I'm not good at English. So I asked them often to use easier English and what they meant with their messages. I can't join conversations when they talk about difficult topics such like politics.

So I going to study English more to improve English ability and also get higher TOEIC score.
*So はいらないですね。後はOK。

添削し始めたら細かくなってしまいましたが、全体の中で伝わらないと思われたのは２箇所だけ。後はわかりにくかったり、多少おかしくても伝わると思います。
1. One Directionの写真・ビデオのところ
2. はまかぜのプロポーズのところ

お礼

ありがとうございます