英検１級のエッセイを書きました。

質問

英検１級のエッセイを書きました。できはあまりよくないと思いますが、推敲お願いいたします。
ちなみに２８点満点ですが、何点くらいとれていると思いますか...？

TOPIC
Is too much emphasis put on work in modern society?

POINTS
・Business culture
・Family relations
・Global competition
・Health
・Materialism
・Temporary employment

（ここからです）
Work has been one of the most important issue in people's life throughout the history. Nevertheless, I believe that too much emphasis is put on work in our modern society.

First of all, family relations of the workers are in precarious situations. A large proportion of the workers in Japan in other terms widely known as "salary man" tend to become workaholic and therefore not being able to spend time with their family. Although this might not sound serious, a lack of time and rest with one's family in private life could result in mangling the job.

In addition, take the health of the workers. The statistics show us the number of people who commit suicide or become sick is growing precipitously in the last few decades. This obviously implies that too much emphasis that too much emphasis is put on work.

Finally, the increase in temporary employment is boosting the the temporary employed workers motivation toward work. This is not entirely a negative trend, however,there is a concern that it could force them to work unduly longer hours, which could possibly result in the two aforesaid points.

Too much emphasis is put on work in modern society. An immediate action must be taken in order to alleviate this impending issue.

回答No.1

sknuuu · ベストアンサー

いきなり添削をします

Work has been one of the most important issue in people's life throughout the history. Nevertheless, I[, however,] believe that too much emphasis is put on work in our modern society. (ここは、neverthlessではなくて、簡単に"however"でいいと思います　あと"issue[s]")

First of all, family relations of the workers are in precarious situations. ("a precarious situation"でいいような気がします) A large proportion of the workers in Japan[,] in other terms[,] widely known as "salary man"[,] tend to become workaholic[,] and therefore not being able to spend time with their family. Although this might (もしくは"may") not sound serious, a lack of time and rest with one's family in private life could (もしくは"can")result in mangling the job. (might & couldはちょっと弱いような気がしました　あと[,]は追加した方がいいです)

In addition, (take) the health of the workers (takeはいらないかも もしくは"has worsened"or"has become worse"). The statistics show us the number of people who commit suicide or become sick is growing [has grownのほうがいいかも] precipitously in the last few decades. This ["trend"とか何か名詞を入れたほうがいいです] obviously implies (implyをobviouslyで修飾するのはおかしい　何も入れないくてもいいのでは) that too much emphasis that too much emphasis is put on work [ここは同じ意味でparaphraseするとか].

Finally, the increase in [the] temporary employment [rate?] is boosting the (the) temporary (employed)(これいらないかな…) workers['] motivation toward work. This is not entirely a negative trend, however,there is a concern that it could (もしくはwould) force them to work unduly longer hours, (which could possibly result)(簡単に"resulting"でどうでしょう) in the two aforesaid points[, less contacts with family & the deteriorated helth condition of workers でいいですか?]. (ただこのパラは第1文と第2文各々の理由がよくわからない　そして第1と第2文との関連がわからないです)

Too much emphasis is put on work in modern society. (ここは"Too much emphasis causes (or "brings about") many problems"とかはどうですか) An immediate action must be taken in order to alleviate this impending issue.

文、そして全体の構成は大丈夫なんですが、各パラグラフにおける文同士の関連(理由)が不明なところがあるので、各パラグラフの第1文をサポートする第2文意向の内容、構成をもう少し考えたほうがいいかもです
最後のconclusionも少し弱いです

お礼

お礼大変おそくなりました。わかりやすい添削ありがとうございます。
大変勉強になりました。