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テーマ：医学部６年間の学生生活における期待と不安について書きなさい
It is expected that medical students are required for acquiring all kinds of knowledge about human and establishing the faithful relationships with other students, teachers, and patients during the school day at medical college.
Considering about this, I am looking forward to acquiring various kinds of knowledge about human. If I got to know first-aid, I would be able to help people around me at emergency. I think this is the first step for becoming a doctor. In addition, making best friends is my dream. Years ago, a doctor did all cures for a patient by himself or herself. However, these days team work is needed and it is not over mentioned whether a patient can recover from illness is up to doctor’s team work.
On the other hand, I worry about that I can keep up with the speeds of lessons at college. High leveled subjects need not only memorizing, but also understanding. I also think just memorizing for exams dose not make sense at practice.
Needless to say, I should study hard at college, when I cannot understand something, it is important to ask other students or teachers. It is not just because I get to understand the subject, but this lead to make good relationships with them. (210words)
[添](削)
一般論＞
It is expected that medical students (are required for acquiring)[acquire] all kinds of knowledge about human and establish(ing the faithful)good relationships with other students, teachers, and patients during the[ir] school day[s] (at medical college).
期待＞
Considering (about) this, I am looking forward to (acquir)[learn]ing various kinds of knowledge about human. If I (got to know)[learn] first-aid, I (would)[will] be able to help people around me at [an] emergency.＜仮定法は実行不可能な出来事を語る時＞ I think this is the first step for becoming a [good] doctor. In addition, making (best)[good] friends is (my dream)[necessary].＜単語だけ飾ると浅知恵＞ Years ago, a doctor did all [the] cures for a patient by himself or herself. However, these days team work is needed and it is not (over mentioned)[too much to say that] whether a patient can recover from illness is up to (doctor's)[doctors' and nurses'] team work.
不安＞
On the other hand, I worry about (that)[whether] I can keep up with (the speeds of)[my] lessons at college. (High leveled subjects need not only memorizing, but also understanding. I also think just memorizing for exams dose not make sense at practice.)＜頭の中の日本語を整理してから書く＞ [I must not only memorize all kinds of things in class, but also become able to use them in practice. All the learning for exams will make no sense at all.]
まとめ＞
Needless to say, I should study hard at college. [But] when I cannot understand something, it is important to ask other students or teachers [for help]. It is not just because I get to understand (the subject)[it], but this lead[s] to make (good)[better] relationships with them.
コメント＞
言いたいことは伝わります．しかし，テーマが絞られていますからどの学生も似たり寄ったりだと思います．
箇条書きに書き出して整理し直すと，あれも言いたい，これも言いたいという文章からすっきりした文章に書き直せると思います．たとえば，「期待」を後に移すだけで希望のある輝く印象を残せます．その余裕が自分の英文の修正にもなります．
「学生生活における期待と不安」について、序論・本論・結論を明確に書けとは、相当アホな課題です。そんなものについて３部構成で書けるわけがありません。全部直すのはめんどくさいので、最初の方だけ書いておきます。
It is expected that medical students are required for acquiring
-> Medical students are expected to acquire
knowledge about human
-> knowledge about the human body
the school day
-> school days
お礼
大変わかりやすく、また文法などの細かい指導まで丁寧にしていただき本当にありがとうございます！ 指導していただいたことをもとに、本日も英作文を書いてみたいと思います（´∀｀）