間違っているトコロがあれば指摘してください。

質問

自分で書いたので、間違ったいたら教えてください。
My heroine is Lauryn Hill. She was born to the middle-class family of New Jersey in the United States. When she was young, she sang from in the choir of a church, and she was appearing on TV. She became a singer 1994.
　I knew about her with the magazine. I liked the music "CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU" then. However, words or a singer were not known at all. Therefore, a lot was investigated about the music with the magazine. Then, I got to know that the music was sung by many singers. I listened to the music various persons' "CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU." Also in it, it was Lauryn Hill's music that I liked.
First ,I was surprised by the Lauryn Hill's voice. Her voice is because it was forcibly gentle. I did not know the words of the music. However, the contents of words have been transmitted. As for me, that time heard Western music for the first time. I thought that a feeling was transmitted, even if I was language different.
Next ,I was impressed by the words of the song. Because, the words were very dear. It had written "it is great" , "it loving" and, "I having been lonely" , etc. Never, I am shameful and can say such a thing.
Finally, I like her view. She is a black woman. However, she does not lose discrimination but continued singing her song. And many prizes were won. She is positive, gentle and gentle for herself. She is doing fund-raising activities with her own CD. Probably, many children were saved by the fund- raising. I like her very much. And I want to become a great adult like her.

回答No.2

d-y · ベストアンサー

添削というほどのものではないですが、意味が分かりにくかったところを、自分ならこう書くだろうなというのに直してみました。
だから、意味が違ってしまっているかもしれません。

My heroine is Lauryn Hill.　 She was born to the middle-class family of New Jersey in the United States. 　When she was young, she sang in the choir of a church, and she appeared on TV. She became a professional singer in 1994.
I came to know her by a song "CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU". I liked the song, but I did not understand the words. I did not know anything about the singer, either. Therefore, I made a lot of investigations in the magazines. Then, I found out that the music was sung by many singers. I listened to the song by various persons. One of them was Lauryn Hill, and I liked her version the best.
First, I was surprised by her voice. It was forcibly gentle. I did not understand the words, but the voice transmitted what they meant. For me, that was the first time that I really listened to the Western music. The song conveyed the feeling, despite the difference of the language.
Second, I was impressed by the words. They were very sweet. It said, "it is great", "it loving" and, "I having been lonely", etc. Never in my life, I can say such a thing. I am far too shy.
Finally, I like her view. She is a black woman. She does not give in to discrimination. She continued singing her song and won many prizes. She is positive and gentle. She is doing fund-raising activities with her own CD’s. Probably, the fund- raising saved many children.
I like her very much. And I want to become a great adult like her.

参考になればよいのですが．．．

お礼

ありがとうございました。

回答No.3

Pippin

文章の間の繋がりがよくわかりませんでした。私も推測で…。

She sang in the church choir when she was young, and she appeared (was featured?) on TV. She became a professional singer in 1994.
この「テレビに出た」のが教会のchoirの一員としてだったのかがわかりませんでしたが…。

I read about her in some (music) magazines. I liked the song "（省略）" at the time. As I really wanted to know more about the song (her?), I searched every magazine to find out about it. I found that the song had been covered by many different singers, but for me, her version was the best.
これは言いたい事が全然違うかもしれません…。

First, I was surprised by the Lauryn Hill's voice. Her voice was so gentle but with full of emotions (expressions?). It was the very first Western music I liked, and even though I did not understand English and the meaning of the lyrics, she touched my heart. I felt what she was singing even with the language barrier.
これも完全に推測。聞いた事がないのでどんな声かわかりません…。

Secondly, I was impressed by the words of the song. The words used in the song were so honest and sincere. It had words like, "great", "loving", "lonely", etc. I could never say such a thing myself.
例文の歌詞が中途半端だったので全部形容詞だけにしてしまいました。入れるのならもうちょっと区切りのいい所で。

Finally, I like her as a person. Being a black woman, she fights discrimination and continues singing. (And she won many prizes.) She is positive, sensitive and sincere. She is very active in children’s charity work, fund-raising with her own CDs. Probably, her good work has saved many children. I admire her very much, and I want to be a great person like her.
賞の事はいきなり何の前置きもなく出てきたのでもうちょっと関連のある事を書いてからの方がいいと思います。差別に関しても突然過ぎるし、これだけではあまり彼女の考え方を反映していないような気がしたので「人間として好き」と変えてみました。子供の事も突然出てきたので子供関係のチャリティーと入れてみました。もう先頭で好きと言っているし、「～のようになりたい」時にはただ好きだけではないだろうと思ったので尊敬に変えました。

全く見当違いの推測かもしれませんが、何となく言いたい事はわかります。もうちょっとすじ（？）がしっかりしてれば、一つ一つの文章が繋がりやすくなるのではないかと、一読者として思いました…。

お礼

ありがとうございました。

回答No.1

miyaco_10

, she sang from in the choir of a church
→she sang as a member of choir
choirに教会の聖歌隊という意味があるので、教会は不要だと思います。また、choirが集合名詞なので～のうちの一人をつけたほうがいいかと思われます。

she became a singer in 1994.年号の前にinが必要です

I knew about her with magazine.
→Ｉ got to know her with magazine
knowが状態動詞なので、知るようになったとしたいのであれば、get to もしくはbecomeなどを使った方がいいかと思います。

words or a singer　→words and a singer

Therefore, a lot was investigated about the music with the magazine.
多くのことを雑誌で調べた、としたいのであれば
Therefore, I look over many magazines to know who sang this.　くらいでどうでしょうか？

First ,I was surprised by the Lauryn Hill's voice

驚かされたとしたいのだと思います。byではなく、atでも驚かされるという意味合いは含まれると思います。

Her voice is because it was forcibly gentle
→明らかにおかしい文章なのですが、どういうことをいっているのかわからないので、訂正はできませんでした

even if I was language different
→I spoke different language

直せるところはなおしてみました。訳をチェックしてほしいというときは日本語対訳もつけないと、正しく治せません。他にもおかしなところはありましたが、日本語がないため治しませんでした

お礼

ありがとうございました。