自由英作文の添削をお願いします。

質問

月末に大学入試を控えている高校３年生です。
文法ミスやもっと適切な表現がありましたら、ご指導いただけるとありがたいです。

テーマ：小中学生に携帯を持たせることの是非

In my opinion, children in elementary school or secondary school should not have a cell phone.
It is true that a cell phone is very useful, and it enables them to communicate with their friends or parents easliy at any time.
However, a careless use of a cell phone often brings about serious problems. Recently, many children have been involved in crimes by use of a cell phone. They are sometimes killed by people with whome they became acquainted in an Internet community site. Children have a poor knowledge to protect themselves. When we think about whether children can use communication tools appropriately or not, we will believe that they cannot do.
So I want to emphasize that parents should not have their children carry a cell phone.

回答No.1

kotokaze · ベストアンサー

すみません、超細かい事しかないですけど。。。

＞Children in elementary school or secondary school should not have a cell phone.
aを取ってcell phonesの方が良い気がします。

＞a careless use of a cell phone often brings about serious problems
careless useの前にaは要りません。
またbringは他動詞ですので、aboutは要りません。

＞They are sometimes killed by people with whome they became acquainted in an Internet community site
inではなくthrough internet community sitesの方が良い気がします。

＞Children have a poor knowledge to protect themselves
poorよりかはinsufficientとかの方が、高級に聞こえるかもしれません。

＞When we think about whether children can use communication tools appropriately or not, we will believe that they cannot do.
文頭でIn my opinionと言ってるので、主語はIの方が良いではないでしょうか？
それで主節はI don't think(believe) they can doにします、私なら。

＞I want to emphasize that parents should not have their children carry a cell phone.
ここの使役動詞、私ならletを使うかも。
後、私ならI'd like to にします。

お礼

いえいえ、本当に助かります！
まだまだ改善点が多いみたいですね…

ご指導いただきありがとうございました！
しっかり反省して本番に繋げたいと思います。
また機会があればよろしくお願いします。