この英文を校正して下さい。

質問

In Japan, sovereignty doesn’t rest with the people.
I think actual Japan’s sovereignty rests with bureaucrats and public servants. They are professional manipulators of politicians without any people's wills, throughout their carriers.
So Japan is a bureaucratic totalitarian country just like a communist country.
And bureaucrats and public servants are now infringing the basic human rights of people.
So we should ban the public figure's out-of-duty grouping activity and limit their carrying time to 10 years.

回答No.1

Masahito（@vitaminee7）

In Japan sovereignty belongs to bureaucrats and public servants.
They are professional manipulators of politicians throughout their carrier.
But nobody wants it here.

You can say Japan is a bureaucratic-totalitarian country
because they infringe on basic human rights here.

Therefore something must be done about it.
Otherwise..we get nowhere.

とてもおもしろい意見ですね。
しかし、soが多いです。
好みにもよりますが、中途半端な英語力では、文学的、学術的にしすぎないほうがいいと思います。
欲を言えば、リズムと論理性と、受験英語（日本語の発想で英語を作る）からの脱皮が必要です。
最後の文は結論であって、いきなり具体例を出さないほうがよいと思います。
具体例は、ボディーにいれるべきです。

お礼

Thank you !

補足

"So we should ban the public figure's out-of-duty grouping activity and limit their carrying time to 10 years." は、
「だから私達は公務人の仕事外の集団行動を禁止し彼等の職務期間を１０年に限定すべきです。」の意味ですが正確ですか、native speaker に通じますか？