おかしい英訳のご指摘をお願いします。

質問

おもいっきり日本語英語ですが、使い方がおかしいものやネイティブには意味がわかりづらそうな所がありましたら、ご指導お願いします。
英語をもっと勉強したいので、手厳しい意見もよろしくおねがいします（＾＾；

I have learned to be active and to continue what I have decided. Concretely, I negotiated with the major supermarket, Wal-Mart about dealing in Japanese foods. Since the person of accounts was reluctant to deal in Japanese foods at the beginning of the negotiation, so I drew up and showed data on how many people need Japanese foods or what kind of foods are requested. The negotiations resulted in a success. Then, sales of Asian foods skyrocketed and Japanese students enjoyed the variety of foods.
Mentioning continuing what I have decided, I have leaned English words steady from my high school-hood. The number of words I studied reaches 15000 words.

回答No.2

mabomk · ベストアンサー

一番です、おかきになった文章お上手です、決しておかしくはありませんが、論理の飛躍がありすぎて、若干支離滅裂になっておるとの指摘はさせて頂きます。私の参考文章は、それを乗り越えた上で、多分こんな風に表現したかったのじゃないかと貴方の文意を先取りした形のモノです。ですから、完全に文意が貴意に沿っているかは自信有りません。

日頃の思い→自分の決意→実際の例→こんな経過→こんな結果→自身の思い再認識→再度の決意表明、、、こんな風にするりと話の展開があればより説得力を増すのかと思います。　より一層のがんばりを、、、

回答No.1

mabomk

少しだけ別の書き方です、、、
What is important and what I have learned is to keep on doing what I have in mind. Here is one of the recent examples so put into practice. I successfully convinced Wal-Mart, one of the biggest American supermarket chains, to deal in Japanese foods. At the start of my negotiation, they were of course so reluctant to deal them. Then I showed them my data on how many people need Japanese foods and what kind of foods are requested. After all, it finally boosted sales of Asian foods and Japanese students here are enjoying the variety of foods of own country.

Mentioning continuing what I have decided→「意味不明でした」
I have lea[r]ned English words steady from my high school-hood. The number of words I studied reaches 15000 words.　前文との関係が不明ですね。