ネイティブの方や英語が得意な方、お願い致します。

質問

大学の英語の授業で1分前後のスピーチをするのですが、その英文（スピーチ原稿）の添削をしていただけないでしょうか。日本語の文章をできるだけ意味を変えず英語に訳したいと思っているのですが、自分では上手く訳せなかったため、訂正してくださるととても助かります。
大変申し訳ありませんが、どうかよろしくお願い致します！(>_<)

・和文
私は教育問題について話したいと思います。
皆さんはなぜいじめや自殺などの問題はなくならないのだと思いますか。
その原因は主に心にあると私は考えます。
現在、核家族化が進み、親族の死などの命に関わる場面にふれる機会が減ったことで、子どもたちが命の大切さを実感しにくい状況にあります。このことが、いじめや自殺などの問題に関連しているのではないでしょうか。
私自身、今までに一度だけ亡くなった方の顔を見たことがありますが、その時に、今まで漠然としていた「人の死」というものを初めて実感した気がします。
このような経験により、子どもたちは感性が豊かになり、人の気持ちを考えて行動するようになるのではないでしょうか。
それゆえ、これからの学校教育には、こうした命の大切さを実感できるようなプログラムを組み入れることが必要だと私は考えます。

・英文
I will talk about the educational problem.
Why do you think the problem of bullying and suicide has not been decreased?
I think the major factor is individual mind.
Nowadays,it is difficult for children to realize the importance of life as a result of the trend toward the nuclear family.
I think that is relative to the problem of bullying and suicide.
When I saw the face of a dead person before,I realize death which was only vague image ,for the first time.
Such experience will make children sensitive and they come to consider the feelings of others.
Therefore,I think the program of school education which children can realize the importance of life is necessary for them.

回答No.2

jpintexas（@jpintexas） · ベストアンサー

I'm not sure if this works for you. I'll give an alternative for you.

<Sample 1-minute speech>

Today, I would like to discuss one of the key issues in education—school bullying. As you already know, the bullying is gaining an increasing public concern. We have heard the news about the students committing suicide due to an agony of school bullying. What’s wrong with classroom environment today? What entices students into the practice of dehumanization—instead of learning the importance of human life? I think the main factor lies in the lack of love and empathy within human heart. Today, we are living in an environment where so many children are suffering from various types of mental sickness and psychological problems. With a steady rise of nuclear family as a national trend, it is getting more difficult for children to learn the importance of human life. The drastic changes in social values and education needs have also influenced many young family and teachers in parenting and schooling. In order to improve the condition of education environment, I think the education administration and schools need to re-emphasize the values of human life in the classroom. Thank you.(179 words)

I'll give you my feedbacks on your draft later.

お礼

細かく指摘していただき、ありがとうございました。
大変参考になりました。
もう一度自分で推敲しようと思います。
本当にありがとうございましたm(__)m

回答No.4

jpintexas（@jpintexas）

OK. Here are my comments on your draft. I didn't see many problems with your grammar. Instead, my comments focus on your word choice, logical structure, and style.

>I will talk about the educational problem. Why do you think the problem of bullying and suicide has not been decreased?

“The education problem.” Identify “school bullying” as one of the problems/concerns in education. “Bullying” is considered as the main cause of “suicide,” right?

>I think the major factor is individual mind.

Need to specify the problem with “individual mind.” See the sample in my previous posting.

>Nowadays, it is difficult for children to realize the importance of life as a result of the trend toward the nuclear family. I think that is relative to the problem of bullying and suicide.

This sentence appears out of nowhere. You need to make coherence with your previous sentence “I think the major factor is individual mind.” How does the decline of birth-rate relate to the children’s decreasing value on the importance of human life, and lead to school bullying and its consequence?

>When I saw the face of a dead person before, I realize death which was only vague image ,for the first time. Such experience will make children sensitive and they come to consider the feelings of others. Therefore,I think the program of school education which children can realize the importance of life is necessary for them.

I am not sure what you mean by “vague image.” Need to add more on this, because you suggest that your initial experience of witnessing a facial expression of a corpse brings something home to the students. Also, you need to explain further why and how such witnessing is effective for students to learn the importance of human life.

お礼

細かく指摘していただき、ありがとうございました。
大変参考になりました。
もう一度自分で推敲しようと思います。
本当にありがとうございましたm(__)m

回答No.3

jpintexas（@jpintexas）

OK. Here are my comments on your draft. I didn't see many problems with your grammar. Instead, my comments focus on your word choice, logical structure, and style.

>I will talk about the educational problem. Why do you think the problem of bullying and suicide has not been decreased?

“The education problem.” Identify “school bullying” as one of the problems/concerns in education. “Bullying” is considered as the main cause of “suicide,” right?

>I think the major factor is individual mind.

Need to specify the problem with “individual mind.” See the sample in my previous posting.

>Nowadays, it is difficult for children to realize the importance of life as a result of the trend toward the nuclear family. I think that is relative to the problem of bullying and suicide.

This sentence appears out of nowhere. You need to make coherence with your previous sentence “I think the major factor is individual mind.” How does the decline of birth-rate relate to the children’s decreasing value on the importance of human life, and lead to school bullying and its consequence?

>When I saw the face of a dead person before, I realize death which was only vague image ,for the first time. Such experience will make children sensitive and they come to consider the feelings of others. Therefore,I think the program of school education which children can realize the importance of life is necessary for them.

I am not sure what you mean by “value image.” Need to add more on this, because you suggest that your experience of witnessing a facial expression of a corpse brings something home to the students. Also, you need to explain further why and how it is effective for students to learn the importance of human life.

回答No.1

noname#175206

ご希望のレベルに達していませんが、やってみましょう。

>I will talk about the educational problem.

Today, I'd like to talk about some of the educational issues.

>Why do you think the problem of bullying and suicide has not been decreased?

What do you think about why serious ploblomes like bullying, suicide and so on wouldn't disappear?

>I think the major factor is individual mind.

Probably main reasons exist in our mind.

>Nowadays,it is difficult for children to realize the importance of life as a result of the trend toward the nuclear family.
>I think that is relative to the problem of bullying and suicide.

For these tens of years, the trend toward the nuclear family has been still under way. It has made children not face the death of elder people like their relatives. It might have coused those prpblems, as I said, like bullying and suicide.

>When I saw the face of a dead person before,I realize death which was only vague image ,for the first time.

Once I have seen a face of a dead person. That was the first experience for me to really feel the death, which was vague before.

>Such experience will make children sensitive and they come to consider the feelings of others.

This kind of experiences can give children good mental effects and it enables them to behave and speak thinking other's feelings and thoughts.

>Therefore,I think the program of school education which children can realize the importance of life is necessary for them.

For these reasons, I believe that we need the curriculums which can tell children the importance of life in school and at home from now on.

Thank you very much for listening to me.

お礼

全文細かく訂正していただきありがとうございました。
大変参考になりました。