英作文の添削をお願いします
自由英作文の添削をよろしくお願いします。
テーマ：いじめに対するアドバイス
条件
・１５０words以上
・３パラグラフ構成以上
・序論・本論・結論が明確であること。
These days, the problem of bulling is often picked up on the TV program. Some students choose to kill themselves because they feel that they have no another choice to solve the problem. Other students ceased to go to school and study at home. Still others rely on their parents and their parents speak to child’s teacher or the principal and ask them to tell bully to stop bulling.
In my opinion, the best way for being bullied students to solve the problem is just continuing to go to school. Of course, I can understand that their parents worry about child’s safety. However, if parents tell them not to go to school, students never change their thought. In my experience, I did go to school when I was bullied, even though I wanted to quit the school or kill myself. But now, I think it was a good experience for my long life. Since I had been mentally injured a lot, I got my heart strong and when my friends or people related me are in trouble, I can give them more proper advice than other people who had never been bullied.
For this reason, even if you feel miserable or feel like killing yourself now, you should go to school. This makes you stronger and some day it will be a good experience for you. (226 words)
結論が短いため主張が弱いとは思うものの、文章展開の仕方や肉付けがうまくできていませんが
アドバイスや指摘などいただけるとありがたいです。
宜しくお願いします。
お礼
回答ありがとうございます なるほど occupyingとnot feelingが並列というわけでしょうか。 だとしたら,(コンマ)でなくandでもよいのでしょうか。