お金が無いアピール英文。。添削願い
お金が無いのでスカラシップください（笑）！という英文です。どなたか、添削お願いします！もちろんなるべく丁寧な表現に直していただけると感謝です！
To Whom it may concern:
I am applying this scholarship because I am short of finance to continue learning art here in New York.
My amount of bank deposit is just for one year.
I prepared fund for study abroad all by myself. It was not easy for me cause I was living alone at that moment to go to my office where was far away from my family's house.So I prepared that money with paying rent. But I wanted to come here and start my carrier as an artist as soon as possible with strong passion,then I got here when I made up fund for one year. Because I think younger sense is very important to develop myself.
Now I have been really careful to spend money.I am staying a cheap room, always bring lunch, do workstudy, I almost never bought even art supplies at a fixed price.Just because I want to stay here in NewYork as long as possible because I strongly believe that it is a best place to be an artist.
Asking money to my parents is impossible because their financial condition is also very bad.
My father has his own company which is really small and he has been in financial trouble with it since I was a child.
He is already in debt big amount with it and moreover it is getting serious cause of this recession.
I do not want them to help me,I want to help them.
As I am saying in the other document "artistic goal",
I have a clear purpose to be an artist and definitely support by myself also my family through the art.
Therefore I better put my time into the creation as much as possible without worrying money.
I never think that being here is easy cause I spent two years to prepare to come here with mostly making money.
However , I could make fund only for one year. So If I will be able to receive this scholarship, I definitely concentrate on my creation more than ever with deeply grateful and a sense of responsibility.
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
以上、お題は、”financial need”です。自分で気になっているのは下記の点です☆
１：amount of bank depositという表現（たんに預金残高といいたい）
２：fund（moneyよりも直接的じゃなくていいかなと思ったんですが、betterな表現がありますか）?
３：Therefore（ニュアンスは分からずに使ってます）
４：as~as possibleという表現が多すぎ？
添削のお時間までなくても以上の一つだけとかでも、ご回答いただけると非常に嬉しいです！^^*
