【かなり大至急】英文メールのご添削

質問

下記のビジネス上の英文メールについて、おかしな箇所や丁寧にした方が良い部分がありましたら訂正をお願いいたしますm(_ _)m

(背景:取引先へ紹介した派遣社員が就業予定でしたが、前日に先方が開始日を後ろ倒しの相談があり不信感を抱き辞退。先方に伝えた所、納得いかない、彼と直接話したいと言われそれはできないと伝え済みで、再度送るメールです。)

日) 本日朝から彼に連絡をしておりますが、繋がらず話ができない状況です。
これまでの経緯をお伝えします。
彼に開始日の変更の可能性があると相談ベースで話したところ、本来の開始予定日の直前になり、急に変更の可能性があることに良い印象を抱かなかったことにより就業辞退となりました。
ひきとめられず申し訳ありません。
一度私たちが直接会って話したいと思います。

英) We are repeatedly contacting him from this morning, but can not talk with him.
We tell you this matter to now.

We told him about possibility of change of start day, she had feelings of anxious about this sudden change in immediate start day.
so, she declined to work at your company.

We apologize that we persuade him.

We would like to meet with you to talk about this.
Best regards,

回答No.2

92128bwsd · ベストアンサー

> We are repeatedly contacting him from this morning, but can not talk with him.
⇒ もしまだコンタクトを取ろうとしているのであれば、完了形にするべきと思います。
We've been trying to reach out to him since this morning, but it's hasn't been successful so far.

> We tell you this matter to now.
⇒ ここは通じにくいと思います。
Let me explain about the background on this matter. とか、
Let me explain about what actually happened with him.

> We told him about possibility of change of start day, she had feelings of anxious about this sudden change in immediate start day. so, she declined to work at your company.
⇒ このpossibility は、彼が日にちの変更に対してOKかどうかの可能性ですよね？上の文だと、まだ開始日が変わるかどうかわからない様に聞こえます。

Per your request, we asked him if he could accept the change of the start date. As this conversation was just the previous day of the original date, he was shocked and lost trust in us. Then he completely decline to take the job.

> We apologize that we persuade him.
⇒ we couldn't persuade him ですね。
We are sorry about this, but we couldn't change his mind.

apologize から sorryに変えたのは、あくまでも個人的な感覚。We are sorry about this だと、謝罪よりも「彼の気持ちを変えられなくて残念です」と言う意味合いが強い。もともと先方が急に行ってきたことが原因なのと、apologizeすると何か契約に違反して謝っているように聞こえるもので。

> We would like to meet with you to talk about this.
これはOKと思います。ただ、ミーティングすることは決まっているので、
We will meet you and talk about the situation in detail.
とかでも良いと思います。

回答No.1

marina2000

We are contacting him from this morning, but he doesn't answer.
We will tell you the how the matter is till now.

When we talked to him that his start day might change, he happened to have a anxious feeling about the sudden change.
Hence, he declined to work at your company.

We are very sorry that we couldn't persuade him.
We will like to talk with him once, directly.