添削お願いします

質問

いつもお世話になっています。下記添削頂けると幸いです。

日本語です→規約改正では委員会が今までの『交流事業委員会』と『交化事業委員会』が一本化され、『文化交流委員会』となりました（事項に各委員会の担当業務を掲載）
　また役員改正により、平成１５年度より団体の活動にご尽力頂いた
会長が勇退され、３代目会長にRさんが選出されました。会長のこれまでのご労苦に敬意を表し、今後も顧問として団体に対する援助・支援をお願い申し上げます。

私が訳したものです→In Revision of　rule,conventional "Interchange business committee" and "Culture business committee" were
unified and become a "Cultural exchange committee".(You will see charge of duties of each committee　next page).
Chairperson retired voluntarily by reelection of director, he had been made an effort
for activity since 2003, and R was elected for 3rd chairperson.
We show respect for trials and tribulations of chairperson, and we would like to ask him for
help and support as a adviser to in future.

どうぞ宜しくお願い致します。

回答No.2

mabomk · ベストアンサー

少しばかりの訂正と、パラグラフ区切りを

According to the latest change in the committee article, "International Business Committee" and "Cultural Exchange Committee" were combined and renamed as "Cultural Exchange Committee” (The detail is as mentioned on next page).

was → were

At the election of officer member, the Chairperson Mr.XXXXX, who worked since from 2003, made an honorable retirement. Mr.RRRRR was newly elected as third Chairperson.

Taking this opportunity, we would like to send our respective salutation to the ex-Chairperson Mr.XXXXX for his remarkable and devoted activity to the Committee during his term of office. Same time, we hope he would stay with us as an honorary advisers and assist our organization.

お礼

ご回答、添削頂き大変嬉しく思います。

丁寧に書いて頂きとても勉強になりました。

会報はまだまだ翻訳が出来ていないのですが頑張ります。

有難うございました。

回答No.1

mabomk

よく分かる英文だと思います、少しばかり違う書き方をしましたので、もし使えそうならご遠慮なくお使い下さい。 (一寸ばかし堅苦しくしております) 尚、最後の方は一寸力抜けています(ご免なさい)

According to the latest change in the committee article, "International Business Committee" and "Cultural Exchange Committee" was combined and renamed as "Cultural Exchange Committee”(The detail is as mentioned on next page).

At the election of officer member, the Chairperson Mr. XXXXX, who worked since his position from 2003, made an honorable retirement. New Chairperson Mr. RRRRR was elected as our third Chairperson. Taking this opportunity, we would like to send our respective salutation to the ex-Chairperson Mr.XXXXX for his remarkable and devoted activity to the Committee during his term of office. Same time, we hope he would work to assist us as an advisory position.

勇退 honorable [honourable] retirement
わざわざこんな堅苦しいのを使わないでもと思いましたが、一応知ってることを自慢したくて(爆)