英文の添削をお願いします。 A society

質問

I’d say the government should deduct income tax and residential taxes from households that have two children in order to
Put effective breaks on the birthrate problem. If it dose , they will be given more opportunities to have babies than before with less financial problem .And as to the second problem, we have to change the current situation in which the elderly are seen as a social burden in Japan and make the best use of them with respect and care as a precious grope of society. Personally I suggest a practical idea that we ask them to take care of children on the waiting list in their free times,which I think could bring about a social benefit to Japan.
I ‘m sure the idea proposed among our communities will more or less make a meaningful difference on the issue.

回答No.2

cbm51901 · ベストアンサー

#1 です。

> the elderlyや～peopleとしなくてもよいのでしょうか？
⇒ ご指摘の通りthe elderly 或いは elderly people とするのがより一般的かも知れません。しかしそのまま（ elderly のまま）の使われ方も実際にはします。
https://www.google.co.jp/?gfe_rd=cr&ei=r0RBWdqJI-vC8geJ44-YBg&gws_rd=ssl#q=%22that+elderly+are%22

> また、This I believe could bring about a social benefit to Japan.はどのような構文でしょうか？I believe this~との表現の差は何になるのでしょうか？
⇒I belive this could ~ が、[I belive] を強調、即ち「私は、それが、~を可能にすると信じている」と、「私」を全面に打ち出しているのに対し、This I belive could ~ は、[This] を強調、即ち「それが、~を可能にすると、私は信じている。」と、「それが」を全面に打ち出しています。大きな違いはありませんのでどちらでも良いと思います。

色々と細かいところにまで口を出してしまいまいたが、基本的に良く書けていると思いました。

回答No.1

cbm51901

削除箇所を (xxxxx)、追加箇所を [xxxxx] で表してみました。

I’d say the government should deduct income (tax) and residential taxes from households that have two [or more] children in order to (P)[p]ut effective (breaks) [brakes] on the [declining] birthrate (problem). (If it dose)[This scheme would strongly encourage] (they)[such households] (will be given more opportunities) to have [more] babies (than before with)[without having to carry a significantly greater financial burden.] (less financial problem.)

And as to the second problem, [the rapid increase of the elderly population in Japan,] we (have to)[must break away from the present mindset that elderly are a social burden.] (change the current situation in which the elderly are seen as a social burden in Japan and) [With respect and care, we should offer them a new platform on which they can actively participate as a social force.] (make the best use of them with respect and care as a precious grope of society.) (Personally) I [propose] (suggest a practical idea) that we ask them to take care of children on (the) [nursery schools'] waiting list in their (free)[spare] time(s). (,which) [This] I (think)[believe] could bring about a social benefit to Japan.
I‘m sure the idea[s] proposed among our communities will (more or less)[eventually lead to] (make) a meaningful difference on the issue.

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添削例

I’d say the government should deduct income and residential taxes from households that have two or more children in order to put effective brakes on the declining birthrate. This scheme would strongly encourage such households to have more babies without having to carry a significantly greater financial burden.

And as to the second problem, the rapid increase of the elderly population in Japan, we must break away from the present mindset that elderly are a social burden. With respect and care, we should offer them a new platform on which they can actively participate as a social force. I propose that we ask them to take care of children on nursery schools' waiting list in their spare time. This I believe could bring about a social benefit to Japan.
I‘m sure the ideas proposed among our communities will eventually lead to a meaningful difference on the issue.

補足

回答ありがとうございます。we must break away from the present mindset that elderly are a social の部分はthe elderlyや～peopleとしなくてもよいのでしょうか？また、This I believe could bring about a social benefit to Japan.はどのような構文でしょうか？I believe this~との表現の差は何になるのでしょうか？